How I Met Your Father
by eastwindholmes
Summary: Sonny Carisi-Barba recounts the tale of how he met his husband to his four children. It's a long, long story.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I know I know the last thing I should do is start ANOTHER new fic but this idea would not leave me alone! This is an AU crossover of SVU and Brooklyn 99 told in the style of How I Met Your Mother. I'm adhering very closely to the story structure of HIMYM but also trying to make it unique. Some elements are very similar, but I'm maintaining individuality the best I can.

 **YEAR 2036**

Sonny Carisi-Barba smiled fondly at the picture in his hands. It was one of his husband, his four children, and himself, meeting their youngest at the adoption agency. He gently passed his thumb over Rafael's face, heart warm with pride. The family of six lived in Westchester county; Sonny, Rafael, the kids and their two cats. It had been a long winding road to get where they were today, but Sonny doesn't regret a single moment. His fingers gloss over his kid's beaming face, landing on their youngest's, Cobie. He cherishes his family more than ever and would hold them close as long as he could. And they deserved to know why. "Kids," he called out loudly.

Footsteps could be heard resonating throughout the house. Four children raced into the room, sock-cladded and red in the face. Their oldest, Michael, cleared his throat. "I swear I didn't do it and I didn't see anything," he declared, jaw set, tilted upwards, eyeing his father suspiciously.

Sonny chuckled. "Michael, you know that only makes me feel like you _did_ do something and you're just not hiding it very well."

Michael scowled as a freckled brunette girl elbowed him with a wide gin on her face. "What's up daddy?" she asked curiously.

Sonny gestured to the couch parallel to his desk. There was a brief 30 seconds of squabbling as to who sat where, but after clearing his throat and delivering a pointed look, his children settled. "Kids, have I told you the story of how I met your father?" he asked.

Michael groaned, sinking further into the plush cushions. "I think we're being punished," he whispered hotly to the girl on his left. She snickered.

"You are not being punished, Michael Ellis. Now shut up and listen," Sonny said firmly. He leaned back in his chair. "The year was 2011. It was the beginning of September. I was 27, I had just earned my detective badge and I was working with your Uncle Jake and Aunt Amy. Everything was going well, until your Uncle Jake managed to mess it up..."

 **YEAR 2011**

A young man was on one knee, cheeks flushed and eyes hopeful. His dark curls were swept off his forehead before his face split into a wide grin. He pulled a tiny black box out of his pocket, opening it. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes! That's it! She says yes, you're engaged," Sonny exclaimed.

Jake huffed as he pulled himself into a standing position. He pulled Sonny into a hug. "Thanks so much Dom. I really appreciate your help in planning this out."

Sonny laughed it off, gripping his friend. "Are you kidding? It's you and Amy! I've been there for all the important moments of you and Amy. Some I even wish that I hadn't."

Jake chuckled. "Yeah, sorry about that one man."

"It's physics Jake, if the bottom bunk moves, so will the top. But anyways, dude I'm so happy for you. Tonight you and Amy are going to get _engaged_ ," Sonny said wistfully.

Jake grinned widely. "Yeah man. So what are you up to tonight?" he asked.

Sonny grimaced bitterly.

Amanda Rollins' phone began to vibrate, and she flipped it open. "Hey! Sonny! So you know how I've always had this thing for short girls?" she said conversationally.

Sonny sighed, "Yes, Amanda, I regretfully admit that I do know that."

"Well I've got a new thing. Girls with those lob haircuts," Amanda said, obviously pleased with herself. "Anyways, I'm on my way to the bar. I'll see you in 5! And suit up!"

Sonny rolled his eyes. He turned to Jake, who was busying himself in the kitchen. "Hey, that was Amanda. I'm gonna go meet her in the bar. Text me how it goes."

Jake nodded enthusiastically. "Of course brah! See you tonight!" he called after Sonny, who was halfway out the door.

"You never wear a suit," Amanda grumbled, smoothing out the crease in her pencil skirt. She huffed, straightening her jacket.

Sonny rolled his eyes. "I did too, that one time."

Amanda punched Sonny in the arm. He winced. "Blazers don't count."

Sonny snorted. He took a swg of his beer wistfully. "You know, ever since college it's been Jake and Amy and me. Now it's going to be Jake and Amy... and me. They'll get married, start a family. It isn't going to be long until I'm the weird, middle-aged bachelor their kids call "Uncle Sonny." Jesus Christ, ow 'Manda, what was that for?" Sonny exclaimed, holding his shoulder after Amanda delivered another sucker punch.

Amanda merely rolled her eyes. "I see what this bullshit is about. Sonny. Remember what I told you. Don't get married until you're 30...at least!"

Sonny bit his lip, tilting his head to the side. "Thirty. Yeah. Yeah! You're right. I'm sorry, it's just once your best friend gets engaged, you can't help but think of stuff like that."

Amanda placed a hand on her chest dramatically. "I thought I was your best friend. Dominick Andrew Carisi Jr., say I'm your best friend," she demanded.

Sonny sighed. "Fine, yes, Amanda you're my best friend."

She grinned triumphantly. "Excellent! And as your best friend I'd like to play a game called 'Haaaaave you met Sonny?'" she proclaimed, drawing out the word 'have.'

Sonny groaned. "No, no, Amanda we are not playing 'have you met Sonny.'"

But Amanda was already ahead of him, and tapped the shoulder of a short brunette. "Hi, have you met Sonny?" she asked.

The brunette turned to face Sonny, a smile forming on plump lips. "Hi, I"m Yasmin," she said pleasantly, offering her hand.

Sonny obliged, giving a polite but warm handshake. "Yasmin, wow, that's a really pretty name," he remarked.

"It's Lebanese."

The two sat down and Sonny ordered another beer and a cosmopolitan for Yasmin. They began chatting amicably. She worked as a paralegal for a private law firm, and Sonny expressed his desire to go to law school. Sooner or later, the top of weddings appeared, and Sonny found himself on a winding rant. "I'm so happy for Jake, I really am. I'm just not ready to settle down right now."

"Do you think you'll ever want to get married?" she asked.

Sonny sighed dreamily. "Eventually, some fall day. Possibly in Central Park. Simple ceremony, we'll write our own vows. But-eh-no DJ, people will dance. I'm not going to worry about it! Damn it, why did Jake have to get engaged?" he groaned. Yasmin laughed. "Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh?" Sonny asked wryly.

"I think it's cute," Yasmin said, giggling.

"Would you want to go out sometime?" Sonny blurted out.

Yasmin flushed, her fingers twisting into the strap of her handbag. "I'm so sorry Sonny. I"m dating Gina, the bartender."

Sonny glanced over Yasmin's shoulder to see a short woman with brown highlights giving him a steely glare. "Oh. I'm sorry."

Sonny excused himself, wandering back over to Amanda. "I'm being crazy, I'm not ready to settle down," he declared.

Amanda ignored him pointedly. "How does Gina end up with a girl with a lob haircut?"

"It's always been, don't think about it until you're thirty-"

Amanda scoffed. "I know right? She doesn't even wear suits."

Sonny continued, "But even so, Jake found the love of his life. Even if I was ready, which I'm not, but if I was, it's like okay...I'm ready...where are they?" Sonny said despondently.

He finished his beer in a gulp and turned around. His eyes were immediately drawn to her. She was leather clad, down to the combat boots. Her dark hair was tossed over her shoulder in messy curls. She was smiling softly, when she caught Sonny staring at her. She gave him a half smile, in return to his unyielding goofy grin. Sonny sauntered over to Amanda, tapping her on the shoulder. "Hey- 'Manda. You see that girl?"

Amanda turned, slightly irritated. She inspected the dark haired girl across the room critically. "Oh yeah you know she likes it dirty," she quipped.

Sonny's mind began to race. "Ok, I just have to figure out how to approach her. Maybe if I go over and compliment her..."

He was interrupted by Amanda placing a hand on his shoulder. "Hi, have you met Sonny?" Giving Sonny a wink, she walked away.

The dark haired girl chuckled and pointed at Sonny. "Sonny-right?" she asked jokingly.

Sonny blushed. "Yeah. Yeah it is. And you are...?" he trailed off, waiting for a response.

"I'm Rosa," she said. "I uh, I work as a TV crime reporter for Metro News 1. I moved here from Canada hoping it would be my big break. But I just got stuck with those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news, like 'robber stops for pizza after crime spree' and all that. I'm hoping for something a bit bigger eventually though."

"Oh so 'murderer stops for calzones'?" Sonny gestured, immediately regretting his decision when Rosa's nose wrinkled in amusement. "I'm so sorry, you're just really really pretty," he apologized, pulling at his collar nervously.

Sonny suddenly noticed a group of girls in the corner booth eyeing Rosa and him with increasing suspicion. "Woah, your friends look really upset."

Rosa gave them a small wave. "Yeah, the one in the middle, she just got dumped so she's not too keen on men tonight," she said, giving her friends a small wave.

Sonny perked up. "Well uh, if it'll help, you can throw a drink in my face. I wouldn't mind at all," he said eagerly.

Rosa flashed him a smile. "She would love that. It does look fun."

Sonny cleared his throat. "Hey, do you want to go out Saturday night?" he asked, hoping he didn't sound overzealous.

"I'm so sorry. I'm going to Orlando for a week. There's a fugitive who's barricaded himself in a cheese shop and I"m going to cover it," Rosa said apologetically.

"That's going to take a whole week?" Sonny asked incredulously.

Rosa smacked her lips. "Yeah, he's planning to eat all the cheese in the shop as well. A world record."

Sonny chuckled heartily. "Well I mean. If it's not too forward, how about tomorrow night?"

"Yeah, I'd like that," Rosa replied. She scribbled something on a napkin before sliding it over discretely. Sonny grinned, pleased with himself. Several seconds later, he was met with the cold splash of a gin and tonic being thrown in his face.

Amanda slid over into the seat next to him with an earsplitting grin. "De-wait for it-nied," she sang obnoxiously, taking no effort to stifle her laughter. "You just got denied."

Sonny smirked smugly. He brandished the napkin in front of Amanda's face with pride. "We're going out tomorrow night."

"What- I thought we were going laser-tagging tomorrow night?" she whined.

Sonny snorted. "I was never going to go laser tagging with you Amanda."

Amanda frowned in discontent. Sonny finished his beer and slammed it on the table unceremoniously. "I think I"m going to head back up to the apartment, Jake and Amy should be done...doing," he said, putting on his coat.

Amanda followed him upstairs and into Sonny's shared apartment. They found Jake and Amy sitting on the couch, watching television. Amy snorted, leaning into Jake's embrace. Jake, looking extremely sheepish, opened and closed his mouth wordlessly. "Jake can't open champagne in the apartment anymore," Amy declared.

Sonny snorted. "Still? Oh buddy," he said, consoling his friend with a solid pat on the back. "Congratulations, by the way guys!" Sonny gestured to the glittering ring on Amy's left hand.

Amy beamed. "Thanks Sonny."

Amanda snorted. "You guys are killing yourselves. Don't get married. Especially before you're 30!" She collapsed onto the seat next to the couch with spectacle.

Amy rolled her eyes and ignored her. "So I've got a date tomorrow," Sonny declared joyfully.

The apartment lapsed into halfhearted congratulatory sentiments and a particularly large groan from Amanda.

Sonny sat nervously, tapping his fingers on the table. He had invited Rosa to a little corner bistro with his favorite Italian meatball sandwiches. On the wall to his right, a blue french horn gleamed under the soft candlelight. The bell on the door tinkled and Sonny's eyes shifted from his glass of water to the entrance. Rosa had just arrived. Her dark hair was pulled back into a low ponytail, several pieces framing her face delicately. She smiled at Sonny, giving him a small wave. Sonny scrambled to his feet. He stretched out his hand, which she took, and he gestured to the seat across from his. "You look stunning."

"Well thank you Sonny," Rosa replied appreciatively. "How are you doing tonight?"

Sonny cleared his throat. "I'm uh. I'm great. How about you? Tell me about yourself?"

Rosa chuckled in amusement. "Well I told you, I'm a crime reporter for Metro News 1. I just moved here from Canada several months ago. I uh, I have five cats. If you laugh, I'll punch you right here, right now. I love crime stories, scotch, good food, and good movies," she said to Sonny with a half smile. She turned to the waiter who had just arrived at their table. "I'd like a Greek salad and your Italian meatball sub."

Sonny nodded. "I would like the same as the lady," he said, handing him both menus.

"Woah check out that blue french horn," Rosa gasped. "That's pretty wild."

"It's kind of like a Smurf penis," Sonny commented casually. He immediately winced, regretting his choice of words. _You don't say Smurf penis in front of a pretty girl, Carisi, get it together,_ he thought scathingly.

Rosa gulped down her water before laughing sincerely. "Smurf penis, that's funny," she said.

The waiter returned with their food, placing salads and sandwiches in front of them. "Enjoy," he said politely.

Rosa began picking at her salad. She and Sonny chatted amicably before she offered him a plate of olives. "Would you want these?" she asked. "I hate olives," she admitted.

Sonny perked up immediately. "The Olive Theory!" he exclaimed.

Rosa snorted. "What's the Olive Theory?" she asked.

Sonny popped an olive into his mouth and chewed enthusiastically. "The Olive Theory is based off of my friends Jake and Amy. He hates olives and she loves them. It contributes to whatever makes them such a great couple."

"You know," Rosa began, leaning in and covering Sonny's hand with her own. "I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever," she continued, interlacing her fingers with his.

Sonny flushed red. "That's uh. That's something I can take off your hands if you'd like."

Later in the apartment, Jake and Amy were on the couch, reading magazines of their respective interests. Sonny burst through the door, humming jubilantly. "Mom, dad, I found the future Mrs. Dominick Carisi!" he announced. "Jake. How do I always describe my perfect woman?"

Jake snickered. "Let's see. She likes cats?"

"She has five of them, Jacob. Five of them."

"She likes scotch?"

"She told me she loves scotch old enough to order its own scotch. And she had scotch with dinner."

"She can quote obscure lines from the Harry Potter series?"

"She knew about Winky the House Elf, Jake. And," Sonny continued with grandiose. "She hates olives!"

Amy gasped. "The Olive Theory! But wait. You guys were hitting it off. What happened? It's not even 11 yet?"

Sonny paused, thinking back to earlier in the night. He and Rosa had been walking down the street. "I have got to get one of those blue french horns to put above my fireplace," she declared.

Sonny smirked. "No green clarinet? No purple trumpet?" he teased lightly.

Rosa shook her head. "It's a smurf penis or no dice."

The ringtone on Rosa's phone suddenly filled the air. She held up her hand, looking at Sonny apologetically. "I'm sorry it's work. Yeah, it's me. No freakin' way- yeah, yeah I'll be right there," she hung up and turned to Sonny. "There's uh, there's a story they want me to cover. It's uh, on the Manhattan Bridge. Sonny I'm so sorry."

Sonny smiled sadly, gesturing to the open neighborhood. "No it's fine, it's fine. I'm not far from my apartment. And we can always take a raincheck."

Rosa nodded enthusiastically. She pulled Sonny into a hug. "Thank you so much for understanding. I"ll call you when I get back from Orlando."

She jogged away, and Sonny began his walk back home.

Jake interjected. "You kissed her though, right Sonny?"

Sonny winced. "It wasn't the right moment. This woman is going to be my future wife. I want our first kiss to be absolutely amazing."

"Awww," Amy crooned. "So you chickened out like a little bitch," she quipped, flipping the page of her magazine in amusement.

"I did not chicken out," Sonny scoffed. "I also don't want advice from a pirate who hasn't been single since the freshman year of college."

Amy rolled her eyes, shifting into an upright position. "Sonny. Anyone who's single would tell you the exact damn thing. Even the dumbest single person alive. And if you don't believe me, just call her up."

Sonny huffed and pulled his cellphone out of his pocket. He dialed it begrudgingly. "Hey. Amanda. Can I get your opinion on something? I can meet you in the bar in 15. Right. Thanks. See you soon."

Fifteen minutes later, Jake, Amy, Amanda, and Sonny had all corralled themselves into a tiny booth in MacLaren's. Sonny had relayed his story to Amanda, who was rolling her eyes dramatically. "Jake and Amy think I chickened out. What do you think Amanda? Was she giving me the signal?"

Amanda smacked her lips disappointingly. "One, I cannot believe you are not wearing a suit. Two, what the hell does a girl have to do, Dom? Bat her eyes at you in Morse code? Sonny- kiss me," she mocked, fluttering her eyelashes. "You just kiss her!"

"Not if you don't get the signal," Sonny insisted.

Amanda scoffed. She leaned over the table, grabbing Jake by the collar and kissing him deeply. Amy suppressed a snort as Jake fell back into his seat, disgust evident in his eyes. "Did I give Jake the signal?" Amanda demanded, turning on Sonny.

"No," Jake exclaimed. He turned to Amy. "I swear baby, I didn't."

"You see- at least I know now, Jake and I will never happen. And not just because I'm a raging lesbian," Amanda explained. "You should have kissed her."

Sonny sighed. "I should have. She said she'd call me after she gets back from Orlando in a week."

Amanda rolled her eyes again. "You see, my wonderful, clueless, oaf of a friend. A week is like a friggin' year in hot girl time. You're never going to see her again."

Sonny's opened his mouth, but closed it very quickly. "There," he pointed at the tiny TV in the corner of the bar. "There she is."

Amy turned to face the TV. "Wow, she's beautiful. Gina! Turn it up!"

The bartender obliged, and the group listened as Rosa finished her report. "And it was a happy ending when the man came off the ledge, and didn't jump after all."

Sonny leapt to his feet, pointing at the TV. "I gotta do what that guy didn't! I gotta take the leap. Except, that's an awful metaphor because for me it means fall in love and get married and for him it was...death. I'm gonna go kiss her. Right now."

Jake snorted. "You're the future lawyer, so you should know that that's a freakin' crazy idea."

Sonny smirked, smacking the table before grabbing his coat and hurrying out the door. He just two quick stops to make.

Sonny raced into the bistro, flying past waiters and hostesses. He snatched the blue french horn from the ledge and ran back outside, slamming the door on the cab shut. "Drive," he instructed. He looked at Jake, who had his eyebrows raised. "Everyone brings flowers," he said casually.

Amy clapped her hands gleefully and Amanda slugged him in the arm. "Look at you, you suited up! Sonny is going to get it on with a TV reporter!" she said. "This just in- you get me?" she held a slender hand up. When nobody responded, she high fived herself nonchalantly. "None of you appreciate my humor," she grumbled.

The taxi hummed along and sidewalks passed in a blur. Soon, it pulled up to a large stone building. Sonny got out, marching up the stairs. He rang the doorbell ceremoniously. A window several stories above creaked open, and Sonny smiled. "Hi, I thought I could come collect those olives," he said loudly, holding up the blue french horn.

Rosa smiled. "I'll be right down." She disappeared from the window.

Moments later, she appeared at the door, she stepped aside and ushered Sonny inside. She led him up to his apartment, pouring him a glass of scotch. Sonny grinned mischievously. He sipped the scotch leisurely. "Are you trying to get me drunk?" he asked lowly, Staten Island accent dripping from his voice.

Rosa took the glass from his hands and pressed a button on her stereo. She placed her hands on his neck and drew him closer. "For starters," she whispered.

The two shifted back and forth slowly, Sonny's hands on the small of Rosa's back. A cat rubbed against his leg and Sonny chuckled. Rosa looked at him flirtatiously. "I think I like your Olive Theory," she whispered, playing with the hair on the back of Sonny's neck.

Sonny smiled softly. "I think I like your blue french horn."

"I think I like your eyes."

Sonny was inches away from her face, and he couldn't resist. "I think I'm in love with you."

 **YEAR 2036**

"Oh daddy, why?" the young brunette next to Michael exclaimed.

Michael nudged her. "Lily, cut it out. I'm sure dad has some explanation for...whatever just happened."

"But that's not papa, because she's a girl," a younger girl supplied. She was leaning against Michael's legs.

Sonny chuckled. "You're right Cobie, that wasn't your father. But it's a very integral part to the story of how I met your father, so keep listening kids."

The second boy on the couch, Kyle, let his head fall back and groaned loudly. "Dad this story is going on for eternity."

Sonny smiled. "I'm just getting started."

 **YEAR 2011**

Sonny winced. "Uh huh. So uh. Orlando? You gonna hit up Disney World? My nieces love-"

Rosa's smile faded quickly and she stiffened, stepping away from Sonny with disgust. "You _love_ me?" she interjected incredulously.

"I'm so sorry. Why did I say that? Who the hell says that?" Sonny moaned, hitting himself in the forehead. "I should go," he said sheepishly, draping his coat over his shoulder and heading towards the door.

Rosa laughed softly. She handed him a jar of olives. "I uh. I promised you these."

"Thanks, I love you," Sonny said breathlessly. "Goddamn it, what's wrong with me?"

Rosa walked Sonny back down to the door of her apartment complex. "Hey uhm, when you're telling this story to your friends- could you avoid calling me a psycho? I prefer...eccentric"

Rosa gave Sonny half a smile. "Goodnight, psycho."

Sonny feigned offense before he began walking away. He stopped, halfway down the block before turning back to Rosa. "You know what? I'm done being single. I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met you love her. But... it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman-not you... just some hypothetical woman-were to bare with me through all this. I think I'd make a damn good husband. Because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father... and petting her five hypothetical cats. Being a good kisser," he proclaimed loudly.

Rosa looked at Sonny pitifully, a small smile falling on full lips. "Everyone thinks they're a good kisser."

Sonny pointed at himself proudly. "Oh. I've got references."

Rosa extended her hand. "Good night, Sonny. That's uh, a pretty nice handshake."

Sonny exhaled slowly. He could practically count the eyelashes on Rosa's face.

"And I"ll probably never see her again!" Sonny exclaimed, sipping his beer casually.

Jake punched Sonny in the arm. "You idiot, Dominick! That was the signal!"

Sonny sat up, rubbing his arm. "That was not the signal!" he said indignantly.

Amanda snorted. "There is no such thing as the signal! But yeah, that was totally the signal and you blew it."

"You know what," Sonny said decisively, slamming his beer down onto the booth table. "You guys weren't there! You couldn't possibly know."

 **YEAR 2036**

"You know kids. I asked her years later, and yeah, that was the signal. I really could have kissed her. But that's the funny thing about destiny, kids. it happens whether you plan it or not. I mean I thought I would never see that girl again, but it turns out I was just too close to the puzzle to see the picture it was forming," Sonny said, staring off wistfully. "And that, kids, is how I met your aunt Rosa."

The older girl, Lily shot up in her seat. "Aunt Rosa?" she exclaimed.

Sonny chuckled. His children started an uproar of protest and he shushed them. "It's a long story kids, and I'm just getting started. Now where was I?"

Kyle scoffed loudly. "You were telling us, in painstakingly excruciating detail, how you met dad."

Sonny snapped his fingers in remembrance. "Oh right! So! I met this girl- your Aunt Rosa. And I was madly in love with her. I had never felt that way before about anyone. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my whole life. In some way, I've never stopped loving her."

Michael grimaced. "So you're still in love with Aunt Rosa?" he asked disgustedly.

"As a friend, yes," Sonny said firmly. "But anyways, I met her, told her I loved her, which was a huge mistake. A week went by and-"

 **YEAR 2011**

"I'm not going to call her," Sonny declared loudly, setting his beer down on the table.

Jake snorted. "You went from being totally in love with this girl to 'I'm not going to call her.' Sonny you need to make up your mind."

"I wasn't in love with her, okay? I was briefly in love with the abstract idea of getting married! That had absolutely nothing to do with-" Sonny stopped in his tracks. Rosa had been sitting in their booth, across from Amy, and the two were chatting amicably. "Hi Rosa!" Sonny said, almost too cheerfully.

"Look who I ran into," Amy exclaimed, gesturing to Rosa.

"Since when do you two know each other?" Sonny inquired.

Rosa pointed to her glass. "Since about here. Amy recognized me from the news and-" Rosa stopped abruptly when Jake began kissing Amy passionately.

Sonny chuckled. "They just got engaged."

An understanding nod came from Rosa, who gulped down the last of her drink before standing and grabbing her purse. She waved at Jake and Amy. "It was nice meeting you guys, and it was great seeing you again, Sonny."

Sonny grinned and raised his hand nonchalantly. His eyes followed Rosa out the door, and once she was out of view, he cursed under his breath. "Damn it. I'm in love with her."

Amy made a noncommittal squeaking noise. Sonny's eyes narrowed. "Ames. You squeaked?" he inquired. "You talked about me!"

Fifteen minutes earlier, Rosa and Amy were sitting at the bar chatting casually. "So, what do we think of Sonny?" Amy asked eagerly.

Rosa sighed with a smile. "He definitely comes on a little strong," she commented.

"But that's part of his charm," Amy protested.

"Oh, totally. I mean, he's sweet, he's charming, he's just looking for something a little bit more serious than I am. I mean the most I can handle right now is something casual. This just stays between us, right?"

Amy nodded, zipping her lips. "I promise."

She shrugged sheepishly. "Oops."

Sonny nodded slowly. "She wants casual. Okay, I'll be casual. I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. You know why? Cause it's a game! I wanted to skip to the end and do the "happily ever after" thing but you don't get there unless you play the game."

Jake paused, sipping his beer. "So...you're going to ask her out?" he asked casually.

Sonny shook his head. "No, because then I'd be asking her out. I have to find a way to ask her out without really asking her out."

The men stewed in silence for several minutes. "Did you guys stroke out?" Amy asked in amusement. Her fiance's face was scrunched up in concentration.

 **YEAR 2036**

"I threw Aunt Rosa three consecutive parties in a valiant and very romantic attempt to get her to give me the time of day," Sonny said wistfully.

Michael snorted loudly. "Dad, that's really kind of lame."

Sonny shrugged with a smile. "I was young, in love, and very very stupid."

"Did Aunt Rosa blow you off on purpose?" Lily inquired, interest furrowing her brow.

Sonny chuckled, shaking his head. "No, her work was just very important to her. It still is! But three time's the charm. After the third party, I got Aunt Rosa to go up to the roof with me."

"The roof?" Kyle asked.

Sonny nodded at his son. "Yeah kids, the roof. Oh, the moon, the stars, the shimmering skyline. You can't not fall in love on that roof."

Cobie leaned in, eyes wide. "Oh daddy, did aunt Rosa break your heart?"

Sonny leaned back in his chair. "Let me just finish the story kids, you'll see."

 **YEAR 2011**

Jake huffed and turned to Sonny. "Dude, I have a double shift tomorrow. You can't throw this girl three consecutive parties. It's super lame."

People were gathered in the apartment living room, mingling at a very slow rate. Sonny brushed off Jake's comment. "Lame...or casual?" he asked, arching his eyebrows

Jake smacked his friend on the shoulder. "It's lame. And I need to get some sleep. Ever since Amy and I got engaged, she's been, well, super horny."

Sonny made a face. "I didn't need to know that man."

Jake rolled his eyes. "Sonny! I'm jeopardizing my career as a detective so that you can throw not one, not two, but three parties for some girl that you just met who's probably not gonna show up. I mean where is she, huh? Where's Rosa?" Jake exclaimed angrily. He turned around and came toe to toe with Rosa. "Hi! Hi Rosa," he said in a false cherry tone.

Rosa exhaled loudly, pulling herself up the fire escape ladder and onto the roof. She followed Sonny, who was wringing his hands anxiously. "So this party. It didn't really last 3 days because it was super wild?"

Sonny ran his fingers through his hair. "Uh. No. I threw them all for you. Look, I know there's something here, unless I'm crazy."

Rosa sighed heavily. "No, you're not crazy. But Sonny, look, we barely know each other and you look at me with this look and it's like-"

"Like what?" Sonny interjected, stepping closer.

"Let's fall in love, get married, have kids, and drive them to soccer practice!" She said.

"I'm not going to force sports on them unless they're interested." Sonny said, holding up his hand.

Rosa laughed, smiling at Sonny pitifully. "It's a great look, Sonny. You're just looking at the wrong girl."

Sonny shook his head vehemently. "No, I'm not," he insisted.

Rosa nodded emphatically. "Yes, you are. I don't wanna get married right now, maybe ever and if we got together I'd feel like I'd either have to marry you or break your heart and-I just couldn't do either of those things. Just like you can't turn off the way you feel."

Sonny smiled. "I can, and I will."

Rosa laughed softly. "No, you can't."

"Yes I can."

Sonny pulled her into a kiss, and her lips lingered over his after they separated. Sonny groaned. "There is no off switch. God I wish there were an off switch."

"Me too," Rosa said kindly.

"Can we still be friends?" Sonny offered sheepishly.

"I would love that," Rosa replied.

"Why don't we take the gang down to the bar for a beer?" Sonny suggested hopefully.

Rosa patted Sonny on the back. "That sounds like a great idea."

The group reconvened at the bar, and Amanda looked at Gina critically. "I don't get it. What does Gina have that I don't?"

"A date tonight," Rosa deadpanned.

Amy howled in amusement. Amanda flushed and looked at Rosa angrily. "I'm not sure I like this girl," she said hotly.

Several weeks passed by without incidence, or professions of love by Sonny. One night, Amanda even took him to lick the Liberty Bell. But nothing significant happened until mid-September. Sonny had been making a bagel in the apartment kitchen before walking out, Amy gasped. "Sonny your shirt?"

Sonny looked down, panicked. "What?"

"Someone spilled gorgeous all over it," she replied smugly.

Sonny grinned proudly. "I found this shirt in the back of my closet! It's like three years old. I never really liked it, but now, I love it!"

He picked up a glass resting on the coffee table. Sipping it, he groaned happily. "Ugh, who's bourbon was this?" he asked, holding up the glass.

"I think one of Jake's detective friends left it last night," Amy commented.

Sonny hummed approvingly. "But you see-I could have sworn I hated bourbon. First the shirt, now bourbon. I spent twenty-seven years making up my mind about things, right? Maybe it's time to start forming some second impressions," he trailed off, lost in thought.

"Booger," Amanda declared, locking eyes with Rosa.

"Yes, hello Amanda," Sonny said sarcastically.

Rosa snorted. "Amanda's trying to get me to say something on the news. She offered me 50 bucks," she explained.

Amanda snorted. "It's not some stupid word. It's booger."

Rosa talked over Amanda loudly. "But I'm not going to do it, because I'm a journalist and I'm extremely professional."

"Journalist? You do the fluff pieces at the end of the news," Amanda protested.

"I'm not jeopardizing my career by saying booger on the news," Rosa insisted.

"Of course not, because now you're saying "Nipple" and it's a hundred!" Amanda exclaimed in revelation.

"And anyways, maybe one of the girls I dated- maybe they're the one but I was too immature to realize it," Sonny continued casually.

Amanda cut in abruptly. "Hold on. There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated. Breast. Implants."

Amy sighed in reminiscence. "Let's see, Sonny's greatest hits. What about Steph?"

"No. Not Steph. She worked in the porn industry, which is all fine by me, but I'm pretty sure there's a porno of us floating around the dark net."

"What about Jack?"

"I'm pretty sure he committed manslaughter with his driving at one point," Sonny deadpanned.

Amy huffed impatiently. "What about Nathaniel?" she offered.

Sonny thought back, a smile gracing his face. "Nate. Nate was amazing. I have so many great memories of him."

"Who's Nathaniel?" Rosa asked, interested.

"Nate was a boy I date fresh out of the academy," Sonny explained. "He uh, loved collecting baseball cards, and always had this pine cologne. He listened to this song by Belle and Sebastian over ad over again."

"Why'd you break up?" Rosa asked, intrigued.

"I just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time, of course now a big commitment doesn't seem so bad... maybe I should call her? What do you guys think?"

Amy and Jake nodded in acquiescence. Amanda whined, "I can't believe you dated a porn star."

Later that day, Rosa burst into the bar and collapsed in a booth. "I said 'nipple' on live television," she said breathlessly, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I cannot believe I said 'nipple' on live television!"

"At least it's better than booger," Amy said with a smirk.

Amanda entered the bar, strutting proudly. "Hey! Is it kind of cold in here? Because I can see Rosa's nickels. Anyway, your next challenge is..."

"There isn't going to be another challenge," Rosa said flatly.

"Oh, search your soul, Rosa. You and I both know this wasn't about the money. Sure, Metro News One pays you jack and hey, a little green salad on the side's good for you, me and Mr. McGee," Amanda countered.

Amy snorted. "Who the hell talks like that?"

"Well what baby really likes, is the thrill of pulling one over on those bean counters, who under appreciate you and still haven't promoted you. And for two more hundy-sticks, baby's going to look in the camera and say this," Amanda leaned in, whispering into Rosa's ear.

"Ewww," Amy said loudly. "What? I'm just assuming."

Rosa sighed and stood up. "I've gotta get back to work," she turned to Amanda and patted her shoulder. "Baby's gonna think about it."

Sonny strode in, brandishing a small slip of paper. "I found it!" he declared. "I found Nate's number. I'm going to call him, I wonder if he remembers me?"

Sonny dialed the number. "Hi! Nate, it's Sonny Carisi," he said.

"Go to hell," the voice on the other line said curtly.

Sonny shut his phone in confusion. "Well, he remembers me," he said sheepishly.

"Why'd she hang up on you?" Amy inquired curiously.

"I don't know!" Sonny exclaimed.

"Well you must have done something. Why did you two break up?" Amy asked.

"He wasn't ready for a big commitment," Jake supplied.

"And his birthday may have been coming up," Sonny said slowly.

Amy raised her eyebrows. "Uh huh," she said, eyes narrowing.

"Well I didn't want to get a boyfriend level gift for a boy I was going to dump," Sonny protested.

"So you dumped a boy right before his birthday?"

Sonny winced. "Uh. I left a message. On his answering machine. On his birthday,"

Amy sprung towards Sonny, hitting him repeatedly. "How could you break up with someone on their birthday?" she cried. "On their answering machine! That's a terrible way to break up with someone."

Jake snorted. "Yeah dude, email."

Amy rounded on Jake angrily. "Not the point I was going to make, Jacob."

"Okay, in Sonny's defense. Is there a way to break up with somebody that doesn't suck? No. Personally I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine than face the humiliation in person," Jake retorted.

Amy glared at the boys, pulling out her cellphone and dialing quickly. "Who are you calling?" Jake asked.

Amy smiled. "Hi, Jake. It's Amy. We're not going have sex for at least a month. But you're awesome. Okay bye-bye," she said, voice laced with fake sweetness.

"You should've done it in person," Amanda commented. "Don't-leave-me sex is amazing. Anyways, guys, let's watch the news, I have a feeling it's going to be interesting."

Amanda pressed the power button on the remote and Rosa flickered on screen. "An occasion that was supposed to be joyous suddenly turned tragic when Ethel and Sadie Marsolis, New York's oldest twins, suddenly passed away on this, the eve of their one hundredth birthday. I'm a dirty, dirty girl," Rosa smacked her butt. "Ow. Reporting live from Metro News One, I'm Rosa Diaz."

Amanda shouted gleefully.

Later that day, Sonny made his way to Nate's apartment. Carrying several baseball cards in his hand, Sonny inhaled sharply before rapping on the door. He heard the lock turn, and Sonny took a step backwards. A young handsome an with wavy blonde hair stuck his head out. He saw Sonny, grimaced, and siad. "Go away," before slamming the door soundly.

Sonny flushed. "Oh come on, I only came down to say I was sorry! You wouldn't take any of my calls," he protested.

"I have an idea, why don't you leave a message?" Nate said with snark.

"Fine. I just, I'll just leave these baseball cards here then," Sonny replied.

The door creaked open again, and Nate looked at him suspiciously. "Look. I know you're mad. Happy birthday, three years ago."

Nate bit his lip and widened the door. "Up yours, three years ago," he grumbled, but allowing Sonny to pass into his apartment.

"I'm sorry. I know how much it sucked to leave that message," Sonny apologized profusely.

Nate rolled his eyes. "No, you really don't. It was a message on my _answering machine_ in the middle of my _surprise party_ , Sonny."

Sonny's face scrunched up. "There was a surprise party? Damn it! Anyways, I was such a stupid kid back then, terrified of commitment."

Nate snorted. "And now you're totally different? Ready to settle down and get married?"

Sonny smiled sheepishly. "Uh, actually. Yeah. The point is, why don't we get coffee sometime?"

Nate's eyes narrowed. "You think I have no self respect?"

"Self respect is overrated," Sonny retorted, handing over the baseball cards.

Nate smiled at him.

 **YEAR 2036**

"But that's not papa, right?" Cobie piped up, snaking her arms around Michael's legs.

Michael grumbled. "Watch the grip, squirt."

"Well, I mean, it could be papa, right? You wouldn't break that boy's heart again, would you daddy?" Lily asked, looking at Sonny suspiciously.

Sonny scratched his neck nervously. "Kids, I was a much different person back then. I did some stupid things. Re-returning to Nate, was one of them. Several weeks passed and it looked like things were on track."

 **YEAR 2011**

"Well, I have Krav Maga in an hour," Nate said, smiling at Sonny fondly.

Sonny kissed him and watched him walk out of the bar. "Nate is great," Jake said fondly. "Best person you've dated in years."

"Hold onto that one," Amy said smiling.

Sonny rapped his knuckles on the table nervously. "I have to break up with him," he blurted out.

Amy lunged forward, slapping Sonny, shrieking "Why couldn't you leave that poor boy alone?"

"I know! I hate this. These past three weeks have been great. I should be in love, but I'm not feeling that thing. It's ineffable."

Jake nodded approvingly. "Ineffable. Nice word. So how are you going to do it?"

"He's probably on the subway by now. You could call him. Voice Mail. Beep, dumped. Click. Done!" Amanda quipped.

Sonny scoffed. "No. I'm going to do it face to face. And I'm going to tell her the truth- he's not the one!"

 **YEAR 2036**

"Kids. I got the crap kicked out of me that night. Krav Maga is a martial art, and you should never break up with a person on their birthday. Twice. Or compare being with you to the lottery. Because that only makes them angrier," Sonny declared.

Michael snorted. "Dad, it kind of serves you right. That was a douche move."

Sonny's eyes narrowed. "Language, Michael Ellis. But you were right, I was kind of a douche. But to redirect the attention from my bad behavior, did I ever tell you that once, Aunt Rosa fell into horse crap on live television?"

Kyle leaned in. "Really? Do you have footage?"

Sonny smiled reminiscently. "Probably somewhere, I can show you after the story. And that's how it ended with Nathaniel. No happily ever after. Just a whole lot of hurt. And just like that all those wonderful memories were replaced. By the memory of him kicking the stuffing out of me."

"There's more?" Kyle asked in disbelief.

"You know how Aunt Rosa's a big fan of Halloween, always dressing up in crazy costumes? Well, she wasn't always that way. Back in 2005, she thought she was too cool for Halloween, unlike Aunt Amy and Uncle Jake," Sonny said.

 **YEAR 2011**

"Awww, you guys are matching," Rosa crooned, observing as Amy and Jake posed.

"You know what I love about Halloween? It's the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner ho-bag. If a girl dresses up as she a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat. If she's a nurse-"

"Wow, we get it," Amy interjected.

"She's a slutty nurse! Anyways, every year, Amy and Jake go all out and get coordinating costumes. It's lame as hell," Amanda said, picking at the hem of her blouse. "What are you doing for Halloween, Rosa?"

"I'm probably just going to hang out with Marcus," she said casually.

Amy practically shot out of her seat. "Marcus? Who's that?"

"Just this guy I've been seeing. We aren't quite ready to go public yet," Rosa said.

Amanda snorted. "That means he's married."

Rosa ignored her, turning to Sonny. "So what do you have planned for tonight, Sonny?"

A collective groan reverberated throughout the room. Rosa raised an eyebrow. "What? What did I say?"

"Every Halloween, Sonny waits for the Slutty Pumpkin," Amy explained.

"What's the Slutty Pumpkin?" Rosa asked, intrigued.

"Not what. Who. Four years ago, I was on the rooftop at the Halloween party they always have, when I met a girl in the sexiest pumpkin costume I've ever seen. It was carved in very strategic places," Sonny explained quickly when Rosa opened her mouth. "Anyways, she and I hit it off. She mixes Kahlua and Rootbeer and calls it a-"

"Tootsie Roll. Because it tasted like alcoholic Tootsie Rolls," Jake intervened flatly.

"Oi, let me tell it," Sonny said indignantly. He cleared his throat before continuing. "Anyways, I got her number but I lost it when my pants went through the laundry. Never found her number, never saw her again. But every year they have a Halloween party up on the roof so that's where I'll be."

"You know, Sonny, it's been four years. She could be engaged or married," Amanda commented, sipping her scotch.

"I don't know, I got a feeling. This could be the year. Halloween is a night of wonder and magic," Sonny said dreamily.

Everyone groaned loudly. "OK, bring the mockery. Fine, I can take it. Come on, wouldn't it be the coolest story ever if the Slutty Pumpkin turned out to be my future wife?" Sonny inquired.

Amy snorted. "On that off chance, we should probably stop calling her the slutty pumpkin. What are you going as? Oh god, like I have to ask."

Sonny picked up a sandwich board from underneath their booth. "I'm going as a hanging chad because that's how the Slutty Pumpkin saw me for the first time. She thought it was hilarious."

"Yeah but that's four years ago. Nobody remembers what a hanging chad is nowadays."

"What a sad commentary on our national attention span that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history," Jake added nonchalantly.

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Sonny, this year you are hanging with me. Screw the rooftop because I crap you not. I'm getting us into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party. Trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging."

"We can get rejected by supermodels any night of the year," Sonny scoffed. "Tonight, I'm going up to the roof, I'm gonna have a few beers, I'm gonna wait for the Slutty Pumpkin. That's just what I do."

Amanda held up her hands like she was weighing a decision. "Hm. Victoria's Secret models prancing around in bras and panties, or Yale preppies reuniting their stupid acapella group. What's that left hand? Right hand sucks?"

Sonny smirked. "I'm heading up to the roof, I'll talk to you guys later."

The night passed slowly and Sonny remained patient, sitting on the rooftop awaiting the Slutty Pumpkin. Amanda, Jake, and Amy all popped in at some point to say hello, but none of them stayed for very long. The night was drawing to a close around 3AM, when Sonny was left alone on the roof. He was staring at the sky when a clatter of the ladder rungs filled the air. He turned around to watch Rosa heave herself onto the roof. "Hey," Sonny said with a small smile.

"I never played team sports," Rosa said warily.

Sonny looked confused. "Are we playing 'never have I ever' because there's only peach schnapps left."

"I played tennis in high school. You know why? Because it was just me out there. I couldn't even stand playing doubles. I just got dumped," she replied with a half smile.

"Oh I'm sorry, that sucks," Sonny said sympathetically.

Rosa sighed. "Yeah, it's OK. I wasn't that into him. Story of my life. Everyone else is all falling in love and acting stupid and goofy and sweet and insane, but not me. Why don't I want that more? I want to want that. Am I wired wrong or something?"

Sonny scoffed. "Of course not. I mean. You didn't want me so you obviously have abysmal taste in men. But you're not wired wrong."

" What if I'm just a cold person? Marcus was willing to look like a complete idiot for me. Why couldn't I do the same?"

"Because you haven't met the right person yet. One day, you'll meet someone who will make you want to look like a complete idiot. He's out there. Just like the Slutty Pumpkin," Sonny said reassuringly.

"How do you do this, Sonny? How do you sit out here all night on the roof in the cold and still have faith your pumpkin's gonna show up?" Rosa asked incredulously.

"Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look, I know that odds are the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning but it seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait," Sonny said, smiling kindly.

 **YEAR 2036**

"I met her, eventually kids, but it wasn't until later down the road. But that year, 2011, I tried a lot of crazy things in an attempt to meet 'the one.' Including online dating," Sonny said.

Kyle chuckled. "Online dating is kind of cheesy dad," he commented.

"Oh it definitely was, but your Aunt Amanda was the one who tricked me into it," Sonny replied.

"Aunt Amanda?" Lily asked in disbelief.

"Aunt Amanda did some crazy stuff back in the day. But anyways, I tried online dating, and it failed miserably. What I learned from that, is, that love is not a science," Sonny continued. "Also, kids, there are many buildings in New York City. Thousands of apartments. Millions of stories. And even though it's been decades and someone else lives there now, there's one apartment in particular that will always be our apartment. I have so many great memories of that place. Jake playing video games. Amy painting on the fire escape. And me making the coffee. I had this coffeepot that was probably 50 years old at that time, and it made truly terrible coffee. We called it Shocky. Anyways, kids. This was before Amy and Jake got married, and Aunt Amy still had her own place."

"I thought she lived with you guys?" Cobie asked.

"She had her own place in Queens. But in 2011, Jake had asked her to move in with us. This actually caused us to confront several issues we had been putting off for a while. You see, Uncle Jake and I had been avoiding this one singular topic."

 **YEAR 2011**

"So who gets the apartment once Amy and Jake get married?" Rosa asked conversationally.

"Uh," Sonny winced. "We put off that conversation for a while."

"Really?" Amanda asked. "Amy's going to start edging you out if you're not careful," she said.

Sonny scoffed. "She will not!"

The next morning, Sonny sipped from his coffee, exhaling peacefully. "Good God this coffee is amazing," he muttered. "Wait. It's too good."

Sonny turned around to see a shiny new Keurig and a garbage pail with Shocky's cord sticking out of it.

"They're totally edging me out," he complained to Amanda and Rosa at the bar.

Rosa snorted. "Yeah, she bought you a nice new coffee maker, how dare she," she said sarcastically.

"It's not just that. This afternoon, Jake wanted to hang one of Amy's paintings right over the fireplace!" Sonny exclaimed.

Rosa shrugged. "What's wrong with that?"

"That's where Jake and I hang the swords we got our junior year of college. Can you believe he wants to take the swords down?"

"Sonny. He's your best friend, just talk to him," Rosa said, exasperated.

"Healthy communication? That's the worst idea ever. Look, you held off their first advance. That's good. Now it's time to counter-strike. Mark your territory! And not by missing the toilet," Amanda said scathingly. She looked at the entrance quickly. "Katie's here. OK, real quick, last night, epiphany! I realized what the world of dating needs. Ready? A lemon law."

"Like for cars?" Rosa asked.

"Exactly. From the moment the date begins you have five minutes to decide whether you're going to commit to an entire evening. And if you don't, it's no hard feelings just good night, thanks for playing, see you never. Huh? Huh? The lemon law, it's gonna be a thing, possibly starting right now," Amanda said hurriedly, rushing to talk to the girl who just entered the bar.

Later that day, Sonny confronted Jake abruptly. "All right Jake, we're deciding right now who gets this apartment. It may lead to an argument, but we're settling this. Do you have a coin I can flip?"

Jake fished a quarter out of his pocket. "I call tails," he announced, locking eyes with Sonny.

"I'm flipping. But before I do, I just wanna say something. You didn't even wanna move in here in the first place. You said a pre-war building was bad for your allergies," Sonny said.

"That was five years ago. Now you can get prescription-level antihistamines over the counter. Oh snap. What else you got? You don't need two rooms," Jake said heatedly.

"Like you need two rooms?" Sonny replied hotly.

"We might be starting a family soon," Jake said smufly.

"Oh, no you're not. There's no way you're having a baby this soon. You just earned your detective badge. It's gonna be at least three years," Sonny said.

"It could be sooner, we're not that careful with our birth control Two-zip."

"Oh, come on, you know damn well I move out that room's going unused," Sonny shouted.

"Oh, and I suppose you'll get a new roommate? Who's it gonna be? Amanda? You know she cooks naked," Jake snarled.

"Yeah, well, at least Amanda wouldn't take the swords down," Sonny yelled, taking a sword off the mantle. Jake picked up the other one and brandished it threateningly. "We were bros! These swords represent our bro-hood. And you took 'em down to make room for your fiance's stupid painting?" Sonny asked angrily.

Jake snorted, gesturing air quotes. "My fiancé...suddenly, she's my fiancé. Amy's a part of who I am. And if you're such a bro, she's a part of who you are too. She's a bro by extension."

"I deserve this apartment, Jake," Sonny howled, tapping his sword against Jake's.

"No more than I do," Jake said, returning the gesture.

Sonny slashed his sword in the air, and began fencing clumsily with Jake. "So, is this how we're deciding who gets the apartment?" he grunted.

"I guess so," Jake replied.

"How are we doing this exactly? Is this like to the death? We should probably figure that out," Sonny said as the two parried and thrusted. "Can I observe something?" he panted.

"That this is kinda awesome?"

"Totally."

Jake laughed. "I can't believe we didn't do this before."

"Here's why I should get the place. You and Amy, you get to be married. What do I get, right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates. And on top of that I could be homeless. Does that seem fair?" Sonny complained.

"Oh, boo-freakin-hoo. Woe is me. I'm not married yet. My ovaries are shrinking. Sonny, if you wanted to be married by now you would be but you're not. And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky. You're easily distracted and you're utterly anhedonic." Jake said.

"Anhedonic?"

"Anhedonic. It means you can't enjoy anything," Jake explained, fending off a thrust Sonny made.

"The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this."

"I know, this rules," Jake chuckles as they continue to sword fight. "I'm sorry I took down the swords, but it did lead to this awesome sword fight. You remember when we first got these swords?"

"It was the day we moved in. We live in an apartment with swords on the wall," Sonny said fondly. "List of lifelong dreams, you're not half as long."

Jake charged at Sonny, who quickly dodged the attack. The apartment door opened and Amy's shrill scream filled the air.

Jake sat in the waiting room of the hospital. Sonny sat next to him, patting his shoulder consolingly. Jake buried his face in his hands. "I can't believe I stabbed Amy. I stabbed my fiance," he cried out mournfully.

Amanda snorted. "Do you really think she's still your fiance dude?"

Sonny chortled politely. "I think you guys should have the apartment," he concluded.

Jake smiled at him weakly. "You fought so bravely for it," he said.

"I wasn't fighting for the apartment. I was fighting for...I don't know...for everything to stay the way it is. But I'm not gonna get that, so, seriously, take the place, it's yours," Sonny said'.

Rosa ran in, heels clicking on the linoleum. "Is she ok?"

Jake smiled gratefully. "They're patching her up but she'll be fine."

A doctor walked into the waiting room. "She's all set. She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed round table, though," the doctor said, furrowing his brow in confusion.

Jake and Sonny walked in, heads down and tail between their legs. "A sword fight?" Amy asked scathingly. "I'm visiting my nieces and nephews tomorrow. I'm going to have to tell them that my fiance ran me through with a frickin' broad sword!"

"It didn't go all the way through," Jake protested meekly.

Amy turned on him, eyes dark with anger. "I'm sorry? Are we discussing the degree to which you stabbed me?" she exclaimed.

"We were fighting for the apartment," Jake mumbled. "And I won."

Before Sonny could protest, Amy held up her hand. "Wait wait wait wait wait. I don't want that apartment. It's a boy apartment. It's full of swords and videogames, and kinda smells like dude. It's fine for now, but when we get married, I wanna start a new life with you in a new place."

 **YEAR 2036**

"So you and Uncle Jake fought over nothing, essentially?" Lily asked.

Sonny flushed. "Well, not _nothing_ , but yeah it was pretty pointless."

"And you stabbed Aunt Amy?"

"Hey, it was your Uncle Jake who stabbed Aunt Amy, not me," Sonny protested.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Aunt Amy is pretty amazing for putting up with all that nonsense."

Sonny smied fondly. "That she is kids, that she is. Now I remember a lot of stories from back in the days before I met your mother, but there's one story I don't remember. Uncle Jake still refers to it as the pineapple incident. The night started like any other, we were downstairs in the bar-"

"Dad, you spent a lot of time at the bar when you were younger," Michael interjected.

"It's just what you did back then!" Sonny said dismissively. "Anyways, the bartender, Gina, created this new shot that was so alcoholic if I drank them regularly, I'd have needed a liver transplant by the end of the week. So kids, always drink responsibly."

"You had so many of them you blacked out, huh?" Kyle asked.

"I was trying to distract myself. Aunt Rosa had this date with this...hundred millionaire. She was going to this fancy charity ball and I was nursing the heartache with Gina's 'Red Dragon.' It was mostly your Aunt Amanda's fault, she was egging me on," Sonny said defensively. "But really, the next thing I remember is waking up the following morning. And God I had so many questions: how did I sprain my ankle? How much did I drink? Why was there a pineapple on my bedside table? And who was this guy in my bed?"

 **YEAR 2011**

Sonny woke up, a splitting pain dividing his brain. He winced and sat up. A pineapple sat on his bedside table, and he looked around in confusion. A tuft of dark hair was visible from a pile of blankets. Sonny held his head and stood up gingerly. A tweak in his ankle sent pain shooting through his leg. He hobbled out into the living room. Jake approached him slowly. "What the hell happened last night?" Sonny complained, hissing in pain.

"You really don't remember?" Jake said in amusement, before recounting all the details from the previous night.

Gina walked over to the table where Sonny was slumped over drunkenly. "Did you like the shots?" she asked.

Sonny laughed obnoxiously. "I loved them. I drank all five, bitch," he bragged.

Amy snickered. "I love drunk Sonny," she proclaimed.

Sonny turned to Gina. "Jake thinks you're a vampire," he whispered loudly.

Gina rolled her eyes, turning to the group. "If he throws up, you guys are cleaning it up," she said sternly.

"How quickly you all forget. I haven't puked since high school. I am vomit-free since ninety-three. Vomit free since ninety-three. That's funny. I'm funny," Sonny said, evidently pleased with himself.

He pulled his cellphone out of his pocket. "Who are you calling?" Amy asked.

"I'm calling Rosa," Sonny said petulantly.

Amy winced. "That's not a good idea," she muttered, but Sonny was already chatting animatedly.

"Hey, hey Rosa, did I ever tell you I've been vomit free since 93?" he boasted loudly.

"Listen, Sonny, I can't really talk right... '93? Dude, that's impressive," Rosa said on the other line.

"I don't say this enough, but you're a great woman, and a great reporter. You should be on 60 Minutes. You should be one of the minutes," Sonny slurred with a goofy grin.

Rosa chuckled. "That's sweet and odd. But I'm kinda on a date right now."

"Yeah, and I disagree with Amanda. Just 'cause this guy is spending a lot of money doesn't mean you have to put out. Take it slow, Rosa, take it slow. Slow. Slow," Sonny murmured, letting his arm fall to his side, phone still open.

Amy snatched the phone away from Sonny. "Wow, this is why we don't do shots," Jake muttered.

Amy pulled her arm back as Sonny clumsily grabbed for his phone. "Friends don't let friends drink and dial," she said insistently.

"I need my phone back," Sonny whined.

Amy laughed and held the phone away. "Not until after class," she said.

Amanda snorted and whisked the phone away from Amy. "Ding, class dismissed. Here you go, kid, you call whoever you want"

"Thank you kind lady. At least someone appreciates the fact that I'm doing and not thinking. And now I don't think I won't not go to the bathroom," Sonny said, stumbling out of his seat and walking shakily to the restroom

Sonny returned and the jukebox began playing Cheap Trick. With a crooked smile, Sonny jumped onto a table, singing along emphatically. "I love everyone in this bar," he shouted.

Jake smiled. "And we love you, drunk Sonny." He winced as Sonny toppled off of the table.

"Well, that explains the ankle," Sonny murmured.

"And then we brought you home and put you to bed," Amy finished.

"Was there anyone else in there with me? What the hell happened to my jacket?" Sonny moaned.

Jake peeked into Sonny's room before tiptoeing back to the living room. "There's a dude in your bed, Sonny. Is he alive?"

"I should call Amanda, maybe he knows what happened," Sonny said decisively.

He dialed Amanda's number, and a faint ringing could be heard from the bathroom. The trio rushed in to find Amanda lying in the bathtub, cradling a bottle of scotch. "Hello," Amanda said sleepily.

"How did you get in here anyway? We put Sonny to bed around one," Jake asked incredulously.

"Oh, you put Sonny to bed all right," Amanda snorted.

Jake and Amy heaved Sonny to his feet, supporting his weight and walking him slowly to his room. "You guys take care of me. You guys are the best. I love you guys so much," Sonny slurred.

Amanda slipped through the window. She grabbed Sonny and dragged him back down to the bar.

"I even set your jacket on fire," Amanda said wistfully.

"You set me on fire?" Sonny exclaimed.

"I hosed you down with the beverage gun and brought you back here," she replied dismissively.

Sonny pulled up his sleeve. In neat handwriting, and in permanent marker, someone had written, "Hi, I'm Sonny, if lost please call...Who's number is that?" Sonny asked, confused.

Sonny pulled out his phone again, dialing the number. "Hello?" a voice answered.

"Hi, who is this?" Sonny asked.

"It's Gina, from the bar," the voice on the phone replied.

The group clamored and stumbled down the stairs, entering the bar. "What the hell happened?" Sonny demanded.

Gina rolled her eyes.

Sonny stumbled into the apartment again, amused and absolutely wasted. "Amanda, you've always taken care of me. You are a gentleman and a scholar. Go into my stable and take my finest stallion. He's yours, his name is Windjammer."

Amanda laughed, helping Sonny into bed and covering him with a blanket. "Sleep it off buddy," she said fondly.

Sonny stumbled back into the bar, fifteen minutes ladder. "I'm back baby doll, and...I am going to throw up," he ran to the bathroom.

He returned, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "Gina, did you know the word karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra? Isn't that hauntingly beautiful? Are you a vampire?"

Gina chuckled. "I am cutting you off. Go home and get some sleep, Sonny."

"Hey, how easy do you think it'll be to sneak into the zoo? I have to see some penguins, like right now."

Gina smiled at Sonny. "Give me your arm," she demanded kindly.

Sonny outstretched his arm and Gina began writing on it. "This way, if you pass out in the gutter..." she murmured

"That tickles," Sonny giggled.

"Someone will call me and I will come get you," Gina finished.

Sonny gave her a lopsided smile. "Thanks Gina. We can't just be friends, we're attracted to each other and we both know it. Me and Rosa. I have to make one more call."

Sonny opened his cellphone with flourish. "Yeah, this'll go good," Gina muttered under her breath.

"Hey, it's me again. Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life, so shy don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of something stupid to do together? Really? Great. Wait, really? Great," Sonny shut his phone, pleased with himself.

A voice spoke up from the entrance of the bar. "Not Rosa, whoever that is. My name is Timothy."

Timothy was tall, lean, and had dark hair that stuck up on ends. He smiled at Sonny bashfully.

"I'm just surprised you didn't dump him sooner," Tim's friend said dismissively.

"I know, it's two years of my life I'm never getting back. A little part of me just wants to jump the bones of the next guy I see," his eyes immediately drawn to Sonny, who was dancing clumsily on the table. "Look at that idiot go. He's kinda cute," he observed.

Later that night, Sonny stumbled into the restroom, confusion written in his features. "What am I doing here? Oh right, I came in here 'cause I thought I was gonna throw up," he said seriously.

Tim chuckled. "Did you?"

Sonny grinned proudly. "Nope. And the streak continues! Vomit free since '93!"

Tim smiled flirtatiously. "I liked your performance."

Sonny laughed obnoxiously. "What? The karaoke? Domo arigato."

"I wish I had your guts, getting up and making a complete idiot of myself. I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I could sure stand to do something stupid," Tim said warily.

"I'm something stupid, do me," Sonny said with a proud smile.

Tim laughed sincerely. "You're funny. Why don't you call me sometime?"

Sonny giggled as Tim scribbled down his number. "Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Carrie Okie? These are the kinds of things I think about," he declared.

Tim handed over the napkin and smiled. "Karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra."

"That's hauntingly beautiful," Sonny said seriously.

"It was me you called. So I came over here. And now I'm really, really embarrassed," Tim said, covering his face with his hands. "Also, you had the pineapple with you when I came over so I don't know where that came from. Look, Sonny, obviously you have some stuff to work out, and I don't think I want to know about it. It was nice meeting you," Tim hurried out the front door, snatching his coat on the way.

 **YEAR 2036**

"I left Tim a message but he never called me back. That's just how life works sometimes. You turn off your brain for a night, and all you're left with is a bad hangover and a sprained ankle," Sonny said.

From the floor, Cobie asked a question. "Where did the pineapple come from daddy?"

"We never found out where that pineapple came from, but it was delicious," Sonny said reminiscently.

"Daddy, when do you meet papa?" Lily asked.

"Sooner than before," Sonny said wisely.

"That means he's no where near done," Michael muttered under his breath.

"I have a lot of good stories from my 20s," Sonny said defensively. "Like New Years Eve, 2011. I rented a limo and I went to three of the hottest parties of New York City. But that's, again, another story. This story continues at a wedding. You see kids, when you're single and your friends start to get married, every wedding invitation presents a strange moment of self-evaluation. Will you be bringing a guest or will you be attending alone? What it's really asking is where do you see yourself in three months? Sitting next to your significant other or hitting on members of the wedding party? I always checked that I was bringing a guest. I was an optimist," Sonny said. "Anyways, when our friends Amelia and Jill got married, it was January of 2012. Gay marriage had just been legalized the previous July. I asked your Aunt Rosa to be my date, and she said yes."

"Wow, you're kind of old dad," Kyle marveled.

Sonny's eyes narrowed. "You're grounded mister," he grumbled. "This is the story of a boy I met at the wedding."

 **YEAR 2012**

Sonny was walking to the bakery when he spotted Amelia Anders. "Hey Amelia," he greeted cheerfully.

Amelia gave him a tight lipped smile. "Hi Sonny! How are you?"

"I'm good," Sonny said casually. "How are you?"

"Stressed beyond belief," Amelia said through gritted teeth. "My wedding is in two days."

"Don't worry," Sonny said kindly. "It's going to be amazing, I'm so excited."

Amelia laughed. "There are plenty of single guys and gals there for you, that's for sure."

"Well I mean. That would be nice if I weren't bringing a date," Sonny commented.

He almost ran when Amelia gave him a look that clearly conveyed murder. "You're not bringing a date, you checked no on your RSVP card."

"No," Sonny scoffed. "I checked yes. I always check yes."

"No, I'm pretty damned sure you checked no," Amelia shrieked.

"No, I already invited someone," Sonny whined.

"You are not bringing a date to my wedding because you absolutely did not check 'plus one'. If you had checked 'plus one', I would have called you to get the name of your guest so I could get the guest cards printed up. Did I call you to get the name of your guest? Is there a place card with her name card printed on it?" Amelia fired back, knuckles turning white as she clenched her fists.

"No," Sonny replied meekly.

Later that day, Sonny stomped into the bar grouchily. "I can't believe Amelia," he complained loudly. "I'm positive I checked 'plus one.'"

Amanda snorted. "Yeah, I don't think you did. You know why? Because deep down, you didn't want to show up at this thing with a date. See, for all your big talk about being ready for a relationship, deep down you're single. It's your default setting. Dom," Amanda said casually.

"Maybe if I just call Amelia and explain," Sonny mused.

Jake groaned. "Dude. Let it go. She's getting married, she's stressed out plenty."

Sonny held up a hand as he pulled his phone out. He dialed Jill's number. He explained himself to Jill hastily. Jill smiled. "Dude, no problem, the more the merrier. Besides, Amelia is just super stressed with the wedding. Earlier today she called our 7 year-old bridesmaid a whore. It's just the stress."

Sonny smiled, closing his phone after thanking Jill profusely. "Well I did it, I can bring Rosa," he said, grinning widely.

"What, how?" Jake demanded.

"I talked to Jill," Sonny replied.

"Oh, you went around the bride. "Oh, this hornet's nest looks harmless. Maybe I'll poke it with a stick. Oh, look, some gremlins, let me go feed them after midnight." Did you known about this?" Jake said sardonically.

Sonny waved his hand dismissively. "It'll be fine," he insisted.

The night of the wedding brewed trouble when Rosa got called away for work. Sonny sat at his table, sulking and full of guilt. Amelia and Jill glided by. "Where's your date, Sonny?" Amelia asked, smiling widely.

Sonny winced. "I uh, she ended up canceling," he said sheepishly.

Amelia looked at Jill and they laughed softly. "What?" Sonny asked, confused.

"Plan a wedding, Sonny, you'll see," Amelia said, patting Sonny on the back before wafting away in a shroud of white.

Amanda crashed into the chair next to Sonny. "OK, ah, doing some math here. Table six has got three bridesmaids, an eight, an eight and a seven. I am willing to give you one of the eight's, lowering myself to a fifteen, which means you owe me," she said, giving Sonny a look.

 **YEAR 2036**

"So there we were, two single guys doing our usual single guy thing. For whatever reason, I had let myself believe that this night would be a turning point, that this was the night that my life, my real life, would finally begin. Funny thing is, I wasn't totally wrong. Because that night was just the beginning. And not just because that was the first time Aunt Rosa got to anchor for Metro News One" Sonny said. "Kids, in life there are a lot of big romantic moments, and they make life worth living. But here's the problem, moments pass, and lurking just around the corner from those moments is a cruel, unshaven bastard named reality."

"That's really dramatic, dad," Lily said.

"That's just how I am kids," Sonny chortled.

"Anyways, it was the night of Amelia and Jill's wedding, when I saw him."

 **YEAR 2012**

Sonny wafted into the apartment dreamily. "Where the hell did you go last night?"Amy asked, amused.

"I had the most amazing night," Sonny declared.

Jake joined the two eagerly. "Tell me about it, that cake, best cake I ever had. Seriously. My stomach was like, hey bro, I don't know what you're eating 'cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down gullet alley. Oh but you were saying, Sonny?"

"Well I met this guy. He was amazingly handsome. He and I spent all night together. We spent the night making memories for the ages," Sonny said wistfully.

"What's his name?" Amy asked.

"We didn't tell each other names, phone numbers, or any other identifying information," Sonny said.

Jake snorted. "That's dumb," he said derisively. "What a weenie ass idea."

"He stole the bouquet and we ran away into the night," Sonny said with a fond smile.

Amy snickered. "Good on him. The bouquet tradition is rooted in evil."

Sonny raised his eyebrows, "So you're not doing it at your wedding then?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah, I'm gonna take that flower grenade and chuck it into the crowd and scream, crawl for it, bitches. It's just what girls do," Amy said noncommittally.

Sonny chortled. "Well, we spent all night together-"

"Did you kiss him?" Jake interjected.

"Well no. The best part of any kiss is the moment leading up to it, the drum roll per say, and we both agreed that we should stick to the drum roll," Sonny explained.

"So you chickened out, again?" Amy asked, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.

"I have to see him again," Sonny sighed. "His name was Elliot. I didn't get his last name because that would have violated our deal."

Jake rolled his eyes. "Why don't you just call Amelia and Jill and ask?" he suggested.

"That's a good idea," Sonny conceded. He pulled out his phone but Amy swatted it out of his hands.

"Sonny you don't mess with a honeymoon," she said sternly.

Sonny scoffed, swiping his phone back. "Hi Amelia! Beautiful wedding! How's the honeymoon? Listen, I was calling because I met a guy last night and I was wondering..."

Amelia's high pitched cackle interrupted him. "This is freaking' rich," she snorted. "24 hours ago, you were begging, begging me to bring some other girl to my wedding, and now, what, you're over her? What's his name?"

"His name is Elliot," Sonny replied.

"Well luckily for you I know that guest list from the inside out, and I can tell you there was no Elliot at the wedding. Bye Sonny."

Sonny hung up, dejectedly. "Amelia said there was no Elliot at the wedding."

"Ask her where she got the cake," Jake whined.

Amy's phone started vibrating. "Hey, yeah Rosa, I can meet you at the bar. You got promoted? A morning show? Well, if you can call 4 AM morning," she mouthed apologies at Jake and Sonny, hurrying out the door.

Several hours of phone calls and daisy chaining through contacts at a steady rate led Sonny to Rosa, who was sipping scotch casually in the bar.

"If you have feelings for Sonny, you should tell him," Amy insisted. "What the hell is wrong with you two? Just be together and be happy," she said, exasperatedly.

Rosa sighed. "No. I should just tell Sonny I know who Elliot is. Who am I to stand in the way of his happiness?"

Amy rolled her eyes, adjusting her posture when she spotted Sonny barging through the door. "Rosa," Sonny called out. "Amanda told me she saw you last night at the wedding- did you happen to see a guy there with a really cute smile and black dress shoes?" he demanded.

Rosa smiled into her drink. "Half the guys there wore black dress shoes, but I think I know who you're talking about. He was tall, with dark hair right?"

Sonny nodded eagerly. "He uhm. He was the baker, Sonny. He baked the cake," Rosa said.

Sonny clasped his hands together before unlocking his phone in excitement. Jake stumbled in behind him, goofy grin on his face. "Amelia. I'm so sorry, I just have one more question, where did you get your cake. Uh huh, yes, thanks so much."

Sonny hung up before peeling out of the room and hailing a cab. Jake clamored in after him and Sonny recited the address breathlessly. The cab buzzed with anticipation when they pulled up at the bakery. Sonny stumbled out the door of the cab and into the bakery. Locking eyes with a man behind the counter, he muttered "Thank God," before pulling him into a heated kiss.

YEAR 2036

"And that was father? Right? Right?" Michael pressed.

Sonny chuckled, shaking his head. "Patience, Michael. No this wasn't your father. But Elliot really was someone special.

"When do you meet papa?" Cobie sighed impatiently.

"Soon enough, doll" Sonny replied affectionately. "All of this is really crucial for when I meet your father- because all of this prepared me for meeting your father. If any of these links broke, the whole story would fall apart. Now. When you meet someone special, life is full of firsts. The first kiss, the first night together, the first weekend together. Elliot and I may have done all of this in the first 48 hours."

Kyle whistled lowly. "That's intense dad."

Sonny nodded emphatically. "Stuff was really intense between Elliot and I, right out of the gate. We decided to take it slow. We both ruined relationships by jumping in too fast."

"It was her idea?" Lily asked.

"Totally her idea," Sonny replied. "But I really liked him so, I was ready for the challenge."

 **YEAR 2012**

"I can't believe he's got you waiting for a month. The only reason to wait a month is if the person is 17 years 11 months old," Amanda said casually.

Amy made a face. Rosa entered the bar and collapsed into the booth by Sonny. "Well I'm off for the night. Who's up for hanging out?" she announced.

Amy winced. "I can't, tonight's my 9 year anniversary with Jake," she said sympathetically.

Amanda raised her eyebrows. "Congratulations, your relationship is officially a fourth grader," she said sarcastically.

"And I've got a date with Elliot," Sonny said, standing.

Rosa sighed. "Looks like it's just you and me," she muttered to her martini.

Amanda scoffed. The night passed slowly, and Amanda felt boredom creep up on her. She spotted a brunette at the bar and tapped her on the shoulder. "Hundred bucks say that when you turn around, I say 'wow,'" she said lowly.

Rosa turned around, exasperated. "You can't keep accidentally hitting on me. This is the third time."

Amanda scrunched up her nose. "That's the risk of the blind approach! Normally I have Sonny to help scope out the girl beforehand, but he's off in some stupid relationship."

Rosa raised her eyebrow. "Just check out the girl in the bar mirror," she said.

Amanda's eyes widened. "That is super clever. I like the way you think, Diaz. Okay, limited-time offer: I need a "bro" for my bro-ings on about town. How would you like to be said bro?"

Rosa sighed dejectedly. "I guess so, I don't have anything better to do."

In the cab, Elliot and Sonny held hands in silence. "So... one more week and it'll be a month," Elliot said bashfully.

"Really? Are you sure? Wow, that snuck up on me," Sonny said, trying to play off his anticipation. "The 18th can't get here fast enough."

"Wait, the 18th? Oh, crap! I can't believe I forgot this... I'm going to be out of town on the 18th!" Elliot exclaimed in distress.

"Oh. Well, um, we can just... wait until you get back. I mean, the whole point was not to rush into this," Sonny said reluctantly.

"Yeah. Or we could do it tonight."

Sonny grinned.

That night, Amy and Jake decided to stay in rather than go on some large date for their anniversary. However, Sonny wasn't aware of this and barged into the apartment. Amy and Jake froze, mouths full of toothpaste. Sonny's voice was low and soft, "I'm so glad you have to go to your parents' next weekend," he said.

Amy winced and washed her mouth out quietly. "Oh my god, they think we went away," she whispered hotly to Jake.

"I'm so glad your roommates are out of town," Elliot replied.

Jake practically leapt for joy. "Oh, it is on for my boy," he said gleefully.

Amy groaned. "But now we have to hide out in here until they move into the bedroom. But I don't want to hide out in here."

Jake sighed. "Honey, Sonny has been going out of his mind waiting for this. If we go out there and spoil the mood, it's not going to happen. Then one of us is going to have to have sex with Sony, and... not going to be me," he explained.

Amy rolled her eyes. "Okay, fine," she grumbled

Amanda waited impatiently in the cigar bar before her eyes fell on the entrance. Rosa strolled in wearing a dark pants suit and stilettos. Amanda's eyes widened. "You suited up!" she exclaimed.

Rosa chuckled in amusement. "Well, I figured if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this right."

Rosa turned to a waiter. "I'll have a Johnny Walker Blue, neat, and a Montecristo No. 2 Thanks," she said, smiling sincerely.

"Ah, the No. 2, a.k.a. The Torpedo," Amanda said wistfully.

"Or, as the rollers call it, "Piramide." My father was a cigar fanatic, it was the only way to get his attention," she explained hastily.

"Father issues. Hot," Amanda said, eyebrow raised.

Rosa smiled. "I know... I was this close to being a huge slut."

"Slut would have been better, but I'll settle for bro. Especially now that Sonny's with Elliot and can't drink. Because he's pregnant," Amanda said petulantly. "Cause he's the girl."

"Oh, come on, Sonny can't be pregnant. You need to have sex to get pregnant," Rosa said acerbically.

Amanda whooped, high fiving Rosa gleefully. Back at the apartment, Sonny was commenting on the fleeting nature of time. Amy gagged from the bathroom. "Ugh, that is bad. That is, like, high-school-literary-magazine bad," she said, making a face.

"And they're not even high," Jake added.

"I can't believe it's actually working, though," Amy said, begrudgingly impressed.

Jake hummed in approval. "Yeah, smooth but slowly. God, close the deal, already. It's been, like, 45 minutes... we could have had sex three times by now," he said bitterly, high-fiving Amy.

"Maybe we should just go out there," Jake offered. L

"No way! We can't go out there now. They'll know that we've been sitting in the bathroom the whole time. It'll be too weird," Amy pointed out.

The pair could hear Elliot exhale softly. "I want to know you. Like, know your soul. Sonny, what makes you cry?"

Amy stifled a laugh. "Honey, could you hold my hair back, I think I'm going to hurl," she said, turning to Jake. Her smile faded. "Oh my gosh. Honey. I have to pee."

Jake opened his mouth in a soft gasp. "We've gone 9 years without peeing in front of each other," he said hotly.

"Look at us. We're basically an old married couple, and we're not even married yet. The flame of our romance is flickering, and if I pee all over it, it might go out forever," Amy said wistfully.

"How long can you hold it?" Jake asked.

Amy just shook her head sadly. "Baby just go. Tons of people have peed in front of each other."

They quieted themselves quickly when Sonny's phone started to ring. "Sonny, so now that things with you and Elliot are going pretty well, I assume you're over all the people you were into before, right? I take your silence as a yes, so say I were to hook up with someone, say Rosa, you'd be cool with that, right?" Amanda asked quickly.

Sonny snorted. "Good luck with that."

Amanda hung up with flourish, turning to Rosa. "Sonny gave us his blessing," she said with a grin.

Rosa rolled her eyes. "That doesn't even make sense," she said.

"Well I have thought about it and it totally makes sense. We both hate commitment and we both think marriage sucks," Amanda said defensively.

Rosa scrunched up her nose. "So Sonny didn't care at all that you made a move on me?" she asked, trying to sound casual.

"Not at all- wait. You like Sonny," Amanda said smugly.

"What? I didn't say I liked Sonny. He's moved on and I'm really happy for him. You're not going to tell him are you?" Rosa asked sheepishly.

"No. That's the bro code. A bro doesn't tell a mutual bro that a third bro has a crush on him. Just like the third bro doesn't tell the mutual bro that the original bro went bare pickle in front of her. It's quid pro bro," Amanda said smugly.

 **YEAR 2036**

"Oh Aunt Rosa loved you too," Cobie said dreamily.

Sonny chuckled. "Kids, the story still isn't over," he reminded them.

Michael let his head fall into his hands. "Dad. I'm going to miss high school graduation at this rate," he cried out.

Kyle snorted. "Cobie's going to miss _her_ high school graduation at this rate," he quipped smugly.

"Yeah, Aunt Rosa was harboring some...unaddressed feelings for me. It all came down to game night at Uncle Jake's and Aunt Amy's, that's when things came to a boiling point. You see kids, Uncle Jake was unbeatable at games. Yahtzee, Poker, Gin, you name it. So eventually, we suggested that he manage game night, rather than play in it. This, he interpreted as create his own game. So one night, we all met up in the apartment to play Jake-opoly, a very complicated game that was an amalgam of board game favorites. Anyways, this was around the time I started introducing Elliot to my friends. And well, I had begged all of my friends to lay low."

Lily laughed, rolling her eyes. "No offense to Uncle Jake, Aunt Amy, Aunt Amanda, and Aunt Rosa, but they're not really good at concealing themselves. Remember when we brought home Cobie and we had to call the fire department?"

Sonny chuckled. "Yeah, we always told Amanda that her pyrotechnic magic tricks should only be done outside. She may have gotten carried away with excitement. Anyways. Game night. Jake had created his very own game and was using it to interrogate my boyfriend. We also, interestingly, learned how Aunt Amanda got to be...the way she was."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "Oh that I want to hear," she said.

Sonny smirked. "Well it all started when Aunt Amy came across one of Amanda's old romantic endeavors. Her name was Shannon. Basically, eight years before all that, Shannon ran away to be with an older man, and your Aunt Amanda, out of revenge, cleaned up, suited up, and plotted to get revenge on the man who had wronged her. But that part of the story is ahead of us. Oh lord we are no where close to being done," Sonny laughed lightly as his kids groaned collectively. "Anyways. Your Aunt Amanda pried every embarrassing story out of the individuals in the group. She was _trying_ to get me to tell the story of how I re-returned. But I was very reluctant to let Elliot know that I was into Rosa. And eventually, she got me to. You see, the night I met your aunt Rosa, after she rejected me, I ended up at the bar with the cab driver, Hitchcock, your Aunt Amanda, and myself. I ended up back at your Aunt Rosa's place, ready to kiss her, when I...hurled on her doormat."

Michael sat up, eyes glinting with hurt. "But dad, I thought you were vomit free since '93?" he asked, shocked. "Was that all a lie?"

Sonny avoided his son's accusing glare. "Anyways. Elliot wasn't too pleased to find out that I was into your Aunt Rosa. We spend so much effort trying to keep parts of our lives hidden even from our closest friends. But those rare times when we do open up, it's amazing how minor those secrets all end up seeming. Of course, not every secret was told that night. But that's getting ahead of the story. Kids, when it comes to love, great relationships are the ones that come naturally. Things with Elliot were fun, easy, uncomplicated. It was great," Sonny said reminiscently.

 **YEAR 2012**

Amanda walked into the apartment, humming jovially. Her face scrunched up in disgust when she found Jake, with suit pants and a pen. "What the hell are you doing? Are you coloring in your butt?"

Jake groaned. "I have a huge court case I'm testifying in tomorrow and my suit has some holes. I can't afford a new one so I'm stuck in this."

Amanda scoffed. "Tomorrow we're going to a tailor," she declared.

"Amanda. I have negative $300. And I need every negative penny for my wedding. I can't afford a tailor."

Amanda waved him off. "Consider it a favor," she said nonchalantly.

Jake's eyes widened, then narrowed in suspicion. "What do you want from me?" he asked.

Amanda merely smiled. Sonny burst into the door. "Guys. Elliot was offering a culinary fellowship in Germany," he said, despondently.

Jake's eyes widened. "You guys are gonna do long distance?" he asked in disbelief.

Sonny shook his head. "I want to ask him to stay," he said decisively.

Jake scoffed. "Remember that time Amy spent a semester in France? Well, she kept talking about this cheesy French guy, Gabriel. So, I went out to visit, and there was this party. And who shows up but Gabriel. And he's got this weak-ass, thin French mustache. I'm not much of a fighter, but I knew I could take this weird little dude. So, I took him aside, and I got all creepy quiet, I got the crazy eyes going, and I said, "You stay away from Amy, or I swear to God I'll eat that mustache right off of your ugly French face." Yeah. Yeah, he literally ran away. I think he was crying. I never told Amy about it. To be honest, I'm not very proud of it. To be even more honest, I am. Point is, Amy is my soulmate but long distance nearly killed us! If even a part of you thinks that Elliot is your soulmate, you should ask him to stay!"

Sonny bit his lip in concentration. He dozed off, tuning out Jake and Amanda out as Amanda begged him to work as a private investigator at his company. Several days passed, until Sonny made his decision. He was at a restaurant with Elliot when he said, "You should go," he said softly.

Elliot smiled at him. "Do you want to go long distance?" he asked.

Sonny grinned. "Oh my god yes. It's gonna work, we're gonna make this work," he insisted, pulling Elliot into a kiss.

 **YEAR 2036**

"Kids. It failed miserably. Long distance is a terrible, terrible idea. But more on that later," Sonny said. "Long distance relationships are a terrible idea. I was in one for a month with Elliot, and he had sent me three care packages. This put me behind by three. Anyways, your Uncle Jake had left the force and went to work as a private investigator for hire. He hated the idea of not being able to put the bad guys behind bars, but he and Aunt Amy were in a load of debt. He went to work for your Aunt Amanda. Now, at this point in our friendship, all of us had no idea what your Aunt Amanda did for a living. Every time we asked, she would always just say 'please.' But anyways, your Uncle Jake had reluctantly gone into the private sector. And he hated it. Anyways, this long distance relationship was kicking me in the ass. Normally I was so good at being a boyfriend, but never seeing Elliot was killing me. I was a bad person, back in the day kids, and I have a lot of regrets and hurt a lot of people," Sonny stared off distantly.

Michael nodded sympathetically. "Dad. What happened?" he asked, genuinely curious.

"You know how grandma said nothing good happens after 2 AM?" Sonny asked, and all his kids nodded in unison.

"Anyways, let's fast forward to a particular night. Elliot had neglected to call me and...Your Aunt Amy let it slip that Aunt Rosa still had feelings for me. Aunt Rosa had called me over, she was fairly upset. And I, may have lied to her and told her I broke up with Elliot," Sonny said sheepishly.

 **YEAR 2012**

"Sonny. You can't do this. As of right now, you still have a boyfriend. It's 2:30 AM. Go home," Amy said insistently.

"Why should I have to go home? You know, there's every chance Rosa's the woman I'm going to marry," Sonny said insistently.

"Sonny," Amy said. "Don't do this. Go home."

"I will go home. I will go home and break up with Elliot, tomorrow," Sonny said.

"Go home," Amy insisted.

"It could happen. And so really, what's it gonna matter in 50 years if I jump the gun by one night? Look, I-I know this is a moral gray area, but... It's Rosa. And I'm exhausted. I am. I'm exhausted from pretending I'm not in love with her. I think that makes this okay," Sonny proclaimed, getting out of the cab and shutting the door with a bit of force.

"You just want to get laid," Amy corrected forcefully.

"Yes, I do. You got me. That is exactly what I want right now. And so what? I want this. She wants this. It's happening, and if you have a problem with it, so what?" Sonny whispered as Rosa opened the door to her apartment.

Rosa stood in her apartment, locking eyes with Sonny. "Your uh, boyfriend just called. He uh wanted to know if anything happened to you, since you weren't answering your phone and it was so late in the evening. Good evening, Sonny," she said, closing the door.

Sonny kicked the doormat.

 **YEAR 2036**

"I called Elliot from the cab and we broke up. Yes... And there you have it, kids. The stupidest thing I've ever done. In one night, I managed to hurt two people I cared about. And none of it would've happened if I just listened to my mom. So I guess if there's a lesson to be learned here, it's this: when it's 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep," Sonny said mournfully.

"Oh daddy," Lily sighed wistfully.

Sonny pinched the bridge of his nose. "Kids, I did a lot of stupid, brazen stuff when I was younger. But that is one of my biggest regrets. I never meant to hurt Elliot, or Rosa, but that's all I did."

Kyle looked at his father thoughtfully. "But wasn't I born at 3:10 AM?" he asked.

Sonny managed to smile weakly. "Kyle, your grandma was definitely right about nothing good happening after 2AM, but there's always an exception to the rule. And that exception was you, Kyle."

"Anyways. It took a few months for your Aunt Rosa to forgive me for that, as it should have," Sonny continued. "Meanwhile, your Aunt Amy and Uncle Jake were scrambling to plan the rest of their wedding in 9 weeks. The crux of the situation was reached when Aunt Amy and Aunt Rosa snuck into a high school prom to preview a wedding band. Anyways. It was May of 2006 in New York City and life was good. But everything was about to change. Around this time, your Aunt Amy had saddled me with a horrible secret. She had auditions for an exclusive theatre fellowship, which would be held over the summer months, Coincidentally, Aunt Amy and Uncle Jake's wedding would be that summer as well."

YEAR 2012

"So what do you think?" Amy said breathlessly."The auditions were in New Haven and the theatre program is three months."

Sonny sat in the booth, shocked. "Amy. No. You can't do that," he said sternly. "You're getting married in less than two months!"

"Sonny. I gave up my theatre career. I settled and I haven't been dating since college. I know it's a mistake but I need to make this mistake!" Amy said, looking at Sonny desperately. "You cannot tell Jake about this," she said.

Sonny hissed. "Amy Mariposa Santiago. You are not seriously thinking about this."

Amy wrung her hands. "Sonny, I don't even know who I am anymore. I met Jake my first week of college and I haven't done any of the things I wanted to."

Sonny opened and closed his mouth wordlessly. "Where is the program?"

"It's uh. It's in London," Amy said sheepishly.

Sonny glared at her. "This is a huge mistake, Amy," he said.

"Okay, yes, it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake. But there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake, and look back, and say, "Yep. That was a mistake." So, really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And, damn it, I've made no mistakes! I've done all of this- my life, my relationship, my career- mistake-free. Does any of this make sense to you?" Amy hissed under her breath.

This was one of the rare times Sonny was rendered speechless. Amy sighed deeply before continuing. "Sonny, I'm getting married in two months, and I'm freaking out, and you're my best friend, and you just have to forgive me for this. Also lay low, Jake and Amanda are headed here."

Sonny straightened his poise, wracking his brain for a solution to Amy's problem as Amanda and Jake made their way to the booth. Amanda rolled her eyes. "Sonny. I know you're thinking about Rosa again," she accused. "The universe does not want you and Rosa together. Don't piss it off, it'll slap you."

Sonny snorted, eyeing Amy suspiciously. "Don't you think the universe has bigger things to worry about?"

Jake paused, a serious look crossing over his face. "Unless your dating life is the glue holding the universe together," he whispered.

"Look, I realize we've been down this road before, but the fact is, whatever I do, it all keeps coming back to Rosa. I have to do this," Sonny insisted.

Amanda reached across the booth and slapped Sonny. "Universe," she commented casually with a shrug.

Jake sighed. "She's right man. How many times does this have to fail before you get the message?"

Sonny grinned. "One more time. One more ridiculously large romantic gesture and then, whatever her answer is, I'll stick with it. If she says yes, then great! If she says no then I'm done chasing Rosa forever."

Amy smiled. "What's this big romantic gesture then?" she asked intrigued.

"I'm gonna make her a mix tape," Sonny said proudly.

Amy cocked her eyebrow. "I'm kidding," Sonny said. "Remember our first date? I stole her a blue french horn and it almost worked?"

Jake smiled reverently. "That was the bomb dude, but how are you ever gonna top that?"

Sonny merely smiled. "Amy, I'm going to need your spare key to Rosa's apartment."

That night, at dinner, Rosa could tell something was wrong with Amy, and cornered her in the bathroom. "What the hell is going on?" Rosa demanded.

Amy's face scrunched up and she began crying. "I can't even recognize myself anymore. Back in college, I didn't want to be tied down. I wanted to live in France and Spain and Italy and just soak up life and put it on stage, even if it means being a waitress in crappy cafés for five years, I didn't care. I was going to be an actress. But then I met Jake. And I couldn't do any of that with a, with a boyfriend shackled around my neck but Jake and I just clicked and now nine years have gone by and I haven't done any of it. I didn't have any of the experiences I set out to. The travel, the bohemian art life, my big lesbian experience. I didn't do any of it," Amy wailed, collapsing into Rosa's arms.

Rosa held her friend. "Amy. You're marrying your best friend in less than two months. That's like, all those experiences combined, right?"

Amy hiccuped, wiping at her face. "I guess so, yeah,"she whispered.

Rosa held Amy at arm's length, rubbing her shoulders gently. "You can still travel, you know," she commented casually. "And as for your lesbian experience," Rosa leaned in, kissing Amy softly, who erupted into giggles. "Is that ok?"

Amy smiled and nodded. And that seemed to be the end of Amy's huge freak out. Later that week, Jake and Amy were relaxing in the apartment. Sonny had disappeared, planning his big romantic gesture. Jake was cooking dinner and Amy was thumbing through a novel. Amy's phone began ringing. "Hey, Ames, I locked myself out of my apartment. Can you bring me my spare key?" Rosa said.

Amy winced. "Uh, I have one of those?" she asked, voice high.

"Uh yeah, I gave it to you a while ago," Rosa said, confused.

"Well uh, have you tried knocking?" Amy asked, as their home phone rang. She immediately sent the call to voicemail.

"Hello, Amy, this is Janet Kagan from London Summer Theatre Program through Sarah Lawrence College. I'm pleased to inform you that we've accepted your application for our summer fellowship. We look forward to hearing from you. Bye-bye," a cheery voice rang from the answering machine. Amy winced.

"Rosa, I have to go, just knock ok?" Amy said hurriedly, hanging up her cellphone.

Jake was standing in the doorway leading from the kitchen to the living room. His eyebrows were raised and he was clutching a spatula as if it were a weapon. Amy smiled meekly. "Pause?"

Jake nodded slowly before walking back into the kitchen.

 **YEAR 2036**

"Oh I can't believe Aunt Amy did that!" Kyle exclaimed.

"What was your big romantic gesture for Aunt Rosa?" Lily inquired.

Sonny smiled sheepishly. "I hired a four piece orchestra to play blue instruments in her living room."

"That's kind of creepy dad," Michael said with disdain.

Sonny shrugged. "It was a long winding road that led me to your father, and I had to become a certain person to get there."

"Well what happened? I mean, with Aunt Rosa. And also what happened between Aunt Amy and Uncle Jake? What was 'pause' supposed to mean?"

"Well. Jake and Amy had a rule that whenever they fought, they could pause and take a break at any time. Their fights went on for days," Sonny explained. "Anyways."

 **YEAR 2012**

Jake and Amy were eating dinner silently that night. Amy had been picking at her food and Jake had been practically shaking in rage. "Unpause?" he said through gritted teeth.

Amy nodded hesitantly. Jake sighed before turning on her. "A theatre fellowship?"

"I was never going to take it," Amy insisted.

"In _London_?" Jake pressed.

"I was never going to take it!"

Meanwhile. Amanda was at the bar drinking with Sonny. "I'm sorry it didn't work out," she said sympathetically.

Sonny practically snorted in his drink. "Who says he hasn't? She just said she needed to think about things."

"Right, but she's going on that big Metro News One camping trip for the weekend," Amanda pointed out.

Sonny smacked his forehead. "Oh geez, I forgot about that. And let me guess, Adrian Pimento is going too?"

Adrian Pimento was the cohost of Rosa's morning show on Metro News One. He was odd, and extremely forward. He had spent the past two months making casual, slightly creepy sexual comments about Rosa. And as she told the rest of the group, she doesn't go out with people she works with.

Sonny's nose wrinkled in disgust. "I can't believe she's giving him a chance. Sure, he's leaving Metro News One, but just because he recommended her to be lead anchor doesn't make him any less of a creep," he grumbled.

"Dude. Barring some act of god, Rosa is going on that camping trip with Pimento," Amanda said, exasperated.

"I'm gonna make it rain," Sonny said, as if it were a revelation. "I'm gonna do a rain dance."

Amanda grimaced. "Dude, that plan is flawed and extreme culturally appropriation."

Sonny waved her off. "No, not like that. Well. Kind of like that. But not to Native American gods. Just...kinda gonna see if the thought can get me there."

Amanda shook her head. "That's still morally skeptical."

Sonny turned to her, indignantly. "This is coming from the girl who deceives god knows how many women into sleeping with her."

Amanda nodded curtly. "Alright, you got me there," she conceded.

"You _forbid_ me from going?" Amy exclaimed.

The fight had moved back to the apartment, and Amy was toe to toe with Jake in the living room, fire blazing in her eyes. Jake scoffed, holding his hands up defensively. "Forbid? Who said forbid? I was just reminding you that there's this wedding coming up in a couple of months, and I was kind of hoping you'd save the day. Look for me... I'll be the guy in the awesome suit. Come on, Amy, it's what you've always wanted!"

"Yeah, but there's a lot of things I've always wanted, and I haven't done any of them. I'm sorry. I just need to do this before settling down forever."

Jake stepped back, crossing his arms. "So now we've gone from "I was never gonna do it" to "I need to do this"? Did I leave the room at some point? When did that happen?" He asked angrily.

"When you said you wouldn't let me do it," Amy spat back.

"I never said that! You know, if you're having these kind of doubts now, what's gonna change in three months? Maybe we just shouldn't get married at all," Jake shouted.

Amy charged at him. "Maybe not," she yelled.

They both stopped in their tracks, staring at each other. "Pause," Jake said.

Amanda was leaning against a chimney stack watching Sonny bounce around on the roof of the apartment building. "This is super funny. Still funny. Less funny. Kind of easing into the sad territory now," she said dully.

Sonny grunted in response, darting around the roof bouncing and swaying. "I'm not giving up until it rains. We've been up here for hours making an ass out of ourselves and it has to count for something," he said breathlessly.

Amanda snorted. "What do you mean 'we,' white man?"

"How did we get here?" Jake said hollowly. "My biggest problem a few days ago was whether I was wearing matching socks or not."

Amy sighed, gripping his hand tightly before turning to him. "Unpause."

Jake nodded slightly. "Unpause."

Amy ran her fingers through her dark hair, sighing. "Look... I know this sucks. It's just something I'm going through. I'm not asking you to understand it. I'm not asking you to be happy about it. I'm just asking you to support it," she reached out for Jake.

Jake stepped away, looking absolutely heartbroken. "I want to, Ames, but I can't."

"Why not?" she exclaimed.

"Because you're scaring the hell out of me, that's why not. What if you decide to go be an actress and then you realize I don't fit in to your life anymore, and three months becomes forever? Can you promise me that that's not gonna happen?" Jake yelled, turning on her.

Amy bit her lip, eyes brimming with tears. She crossed her arms, looking empty, vulnerable. "Jake."

"'Cause if you can't promise me that, we should just break up right now. I'm not gonna wait around for three months just to have my heart ripped out," Jake said viciously, voice breaking. "So that's it? We're breaking up?"

"Jake, I'm sorry. I just... I just need to go to London and do this theatre program and figure out who I am outside of us. And the only way that I can do that is if we don't talk for a while."

Jake could feel the tears stinging his eyes and the unmistakable lump in his throat. He swallowed it. "For a while? Try never, OK? You walk out that door and we're done. You're never gonna hear my voice again," he said.

"Jake, I love you," Amy cried.

"Can you promise me that won't change?" Jake demanded.

"Pause," Amy said, stepping closer to him.

"No. Amy. No more pause we have to get through this."

"Pause," Amy said insistently.

"Why?" Jake shouted at her. "Why do you want me to pause?"

Amy sprung forward, climbing Jake frantically, wrapping her legs around his torso. "I really appreciate this use of the pause function baby," Jake said breathlessly before carrying her into their room.

Back on the roof, Amanda held her head in her hands and winced as she listened to Sonny huff and wheeze, still haphazardly dancing on the roof. "These are your awesome years. You're wasting them on this girl. This isn't gonna work!" Amanda whined.

"I know that," Sonny retorted acerbically.

"Then why?" Amanda shouted, standing, confronting Sonny.

"Because I love her. I love her! I told her that the first night we went out, and here it is, eight months later, and nothing's changed. So yes, I know this isn't gonna work. But it has to work! You hear me, universe? This is Dominick Andrew Carisi talking! Give me some rain! Come on! Come on! Come on...!" Sonny yelled at the sky.

Rain began trickling down, gently at first before gaining momentum. "Oh come on," Amanda complained, hurrying down the fire escape into the apartment.

Sonny scrambled down the fire escape, tearing through the apartment. He threw himself into a cab and was vibrating with excitement. The cab barely came to a stop and Sonny practically fell out of it. He threw himself onto Rosa's porch and began yelling, calling out her name. She opened her window and found him, drenched and smiling like an idiot. "Sonny," she called out.

He tilted his head upwards and started jumping. "I made it rain!" he yelled, practically manic.

Rosa smiled at him, confused. "You what?" she called back. "I'll come down there."

She grabbed her jacket, opening her door. Sonny stood there, dripping onto her doormat. "I was gonna," she started.

"I know," he said breathlessly, pulling her into a deep kiss.

The next morning, Sonny rode back in a cab, staring out the window with a dazed expression. the city looked the same, the people looked the same. It all looked the same. But it wasn't. In just one night, everything had changed. The cab pulled up at their apartment, rain still beating down consistently. He walked up to the doorstep, a goofy grin lingering on his lips. He stopped himself when he saw Jake, sitting there, eyes empty and red. Jake didn't say a word, but merely held up a ring. Sonny collapsed onto the stoop, putting his arm around his friend.

A/N: I'm really self conscious about if it's too close to the HIMYM structure but I also really wanna keep the structure similar. I was going to do each season as a chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I really need to stop focusing on fanfic and start catching up on homework lmao. I'm also going to incorporate some Criminal Minds characters :3 but that won't happen this chapter.

 **YEAR 2036**

"Alright, where were we? It was June 2012, and life just took an unexpected turn," Sonny continued, clearing his throat.

His son Kyle slumped further down the couch. "Can't we just skip ahead to the part where you meet dad?" he whined, toying with the hem of his polo shirt. "You've been talking forever. I have to go to the bathroom."

Sonny chuckled. "You can hold it. But right, summer of 2012. Things were going great for me, the first day was amazing, actually. I had finally talked your Aunt Rosa into giving our relationship a shot. But while I was off having an amazing time, your Uncle Jake was having one of the worst nights of his life."

"I can't believe Aunt Amy did that," Lily said, scandalized.

Sonny tsked. "Well, Aunt Amy was having a minor early life crisis, but yes, it wasn't pretty. One thing I learned over that summer was when love is beginning, and when love is ending, the first thirty days are alarmingly similar. You spend most of your time in bed. Your friends can't stand to listen to you. And you never seem to wear pants."

 **YEAR 2012**

Jake was slouched over on the couch, moaning intermittently. His hair was greasy and standing on ends. "I should call her," he muttered.

Sonny turned in his chair to face his friend. "No. If you call her, when she asked you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Now, listen. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face," he said firmly.

"Thanks Sonny, you're a great friend," Jake said miserably.

Rosa walked into the apartment with a grin. "Hey so did you hear the big news?" she asked eagerly.

"You mean how Amy left Jake and nothing else significant happened last night?" Sonny declared loudly, looking at Rosa intensely.

Rosa was taken aback. "Oh- oh my God. I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"Well, she left. And I don't even know if she's coming back," Jake said mournfully.

Amanda burst through the door, huffing. "I didn't get your message till this morning. Jake, dude, I'm so sorry," she said sincerely.

"Thanks," Jake said, muffled by the pillow he was hugging.

"I know it must be tough. But are you ready to hear something that will not only make you feel better but will actively excite you?" he asked excitedly.

"Sure," Jake said emotionlessly.

"For the first time ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day boys and it's going to be legendary! Together, we will own this city. Any time, a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge-drinking, we will be there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo sticking their heads out, shouting "What's up New York?" we will be what is up New York! Gentlemen, we are about to embark on," Amanda looked at Sonny, who was avoiding eye contact. She looked at Rosa suspiciously. "Oh my god you guys did it, didn't you?" she exclaimed.

Sonny flushed, changing the subject. "Hey Jake, are you hungry?" he asked loudly, shrinking under Amanda's piercing gaze.

"What's the point, I could eat some food. But it'll just leave me," Jake said morosely.

"Yeah but in that scenario, you do the dumping," Sonny said with a small smile. "It's waffles day man!"

"I always made waffles for Amy. She was a terrible cook. But I loved the way she smiled when I made her breakfast in bed," Jake moaned.

"Buddy, you have to eat something," Sonny insisted.

"I'll have a beer."

"No, you had that for dinner," Sonny said firmly.

"Fine, I'll just have leftovers," Jake pulled a beer out from under the couch cushions.

Sonny bit his lip worriedly.

A solid month passed, and Sonny became more worried about Jake by the day. A month after the breakup, Sonny had convened with Amanda and Rosa in the bar. "He's just so broken, he hasn't eaten an actual meal in weeks, he just eats crackers and beer. I can hear him sobbing at night," Sonny said.

"So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be down here celebrating. He's free. He got that Cuban tumor removed," Amanda said scornfully. "You know what Jake needs to do? He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story."

"It's only been a month," Sonny countered. "He needs to go at his own pace. Anyway, it's Amy's fault we're in this mess."

"Oh come on, she's just trying to find herself, figure out who she is," Rosa said defensively.

"I got a whole list of things for that," Sonny said darkly.

Later in the apartment, Jake was lying on the couch. "So I found her shampoo, I guess she left it here. It smells like her. Like lavender and seashells. Hope. Somehow erotic and comforting all at the same time," he sobbed, hiccuping.

Rosa wrinkled her nose. "That's my shampoo," she interjected.

"Sorry," Jake mumbled.

The next morning, Jake stormed into the living room. "Well I called her. And you'll never guess what. She changed her number. What like I'm gonna stalk her? Like she's the only Amy Santiago out there? There are fifteen in the London area alone, and they all seem nicer than her from the brief conversations I've held with them."

Jake stomped back into his room and Rosa turned to Sonny. "This has to stop! Sonny, we just started dating. We agreed we don't wanna move too fast and yet somehow we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night," she exclaimed.

Amanda snorted. "Have you tried breast feeding?" she quipped.

"They were together for nine years. He just needs to go at his own pace," Sonny said firmly.

"Dude he slept on our floor last night," Rosa retorted.

"He watched a scary movie!" Sonny defended.

"He needs some tough love. He needs to get out, see some fresh air, get some sunshine!"

It was day forty one before someone managed to persuade Jake into leaving the apartment. "Amanda, I don't think a strip club is going to help," Jake mumbled, staring at his lap.

"Do you know why you're not over Amy yet? It's 'cause you can still picture her naked. You can't get over a woman until you can no longer picture her boobs. It's a scientific fact. The average brain can only store a finite number of boob images, or BPEGs and your hard drive's filled to capacity with Amy's," Amanda said.

Jake half-smiled. "There are a lot of them."

"They won't go away until you overwrite them with images of other women's boobs. Now, this journey may take as many as a million boobs so we begin here tonight my friend. Two at the time. Those count as four," Amanda said casually.

On the forty-fourth day, they dragged Jake to a baseball game. This, however, ended poorly when Jake got kicked out for throwing food at couples. The forty sixth day, Sonny sat in the bar dejectedly. "We've tried pretty much everything. Baseball, strippers, the guy still won't make waffles. I think he's broken beyond repair," he declared bitterly.

Rosa smirked. "Let me try something."

Jake cowered in the corner while Rosa emptied her clip. She set her gun down smugly and turned to him. "That's the stuff. Come on Jake, give it a try."

Jake squinted at the target board. "Holy crap Rosa, how long have you been doing this?" he asked, impressed.

Rosa chuckled. "My dad taught me to shoot when I was a kid. Now, whenever I'm feeling lonely or depressed, I come here and it reminds me that... guns are fun!" she said cheerfully. "Do you want to try?" she offered, stepping aside.

"Hell, yes. Oh yeah, yeah. This is what I needed. I felt so powerless this whole time but this... This is power, this is..." Jake fired the gun before falling to the floor.

Rosa grimaced. "I forgot to mention. This has a way stronger recoil than our police guns," she said.

When Rosa came home, Sonny handed her a glass of wine. "I'll hand it to you. When he got home, Jake was smiling. Did you sleep with him? 'Cause I was actually like three days away from suggesting that."

Rosa snorted. "Sometimes, all you need to do is get in touch with your feminine side," she said.

"Why don't we go away for the weekend," Sonny suggested, pulling Rosa close. "My aunt and uncle have a beach house at Montauk. It's really romantic. My uncle had, like, three affairs there."

Rosa snickered. "That must be an amazing beach house. I've seen your uncle. We'll get some alone time. Will Jake be ok alone?"

"Buddy, it's alright. It's the fifty-fifth day without Amy and I'm...I'm surviving. Go ahead, you can even borrow my car," Jake said with a half smile.

"If you ever need anything, please give me a call," Sonny said sincerely.

Jake nodded sadly, clutching a piece of printer paper. "This is Amy's credit card bill. She must have forgotten to switch addresses."

Sonny grimaced. "So?"

"I wonder what kind of charges she's making," Jake said wistfully.

Sonny turned on his friend sternly. "No. No good can come from this Jake. You've already come so far."

Sonny got up and sauntered to the kitchen, humming as he grabbed a snack. He turned around to find Jake, curled up on the couch, paper drifted to the floor. "Buddy, I told you not to look," Sonny chided softly.

"Amy's back in New York," Jake said.

Sonny's jaw dropped, and he was speechless. "How-how do you know that?" he demanded.

"Her last charge-The Keller hotel on Fifth. She's back. Amy is back in New York. I thought, when she came back she'd call me at least. That's the only reason why I've been able to hold it together this whole summer," Jake said, voice hollow.

"This is holding it together?" Rosa asked in disbelief.

"I'm gonna call her," Jake said, reaching for the phone.

Sonny bit his lip as he watched his friend dial frantically. "Hello, Amy Santiago's room," Jake said shakily. "Hi."

He slammed the phone back onto the receiver and turned to Sonny, Rosa, and Amanda. "A guy answered," he said flatly, rising to his feet and grabbing his keys. "I'm going down there. I'm going to beg her to take me back, I'll get on my knees if I have to," he announced.

Sonny smacked his forehead. "No, Jake, dude don't do that."

"Why not?" Jake demanded.

Sonny exploded. "Because you're pathetic! I'm sorry. But right now, you are not Jake. You are the miserable, whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of Jake and frankly, a guy like you doesn't have a shot in hell with a girl like Amy. You know who might have a shot somewhere down the line? Jake. The real Jake. But if you go down there now like this, you'll blow it for him and he's never gonna forgive you. Of course, whatever I say, you just will do the opposite so, have a great weekend, good luck screwing up your life," he turned to Rosa. "Let's get out of here. Amanda, you watch Jake."

Rosa climbed into the car, staring at Sonny in awe. "What?" Sonny snapped,

Rosa held her hands up defensively. "I didn't say anything."

"You think I was being too hard on him?" Sonny asked.

"I didn't say a thing," Rosa repeated.

"You're the one who was advocating for tough love," Sonny said accusingly.

"I didn't mean hand the guy a noose," Rosa said defensively.

Sonny exhaled loudly. "I should give Amanda a call and see how Jake's doing."

Amanda's phone began vibrating incessently. She held up a hand to excuse herself from a conversation and opened it. "Hey Sonny, what's up?"

"Where are you guys?" Sonny asked.

"We're at a fundraiser to help yound women pay for college," Amanda said casually.

Sonny snorted. "A strip club. Nice. Where's Jake?"

Amanda smirked. "He's right here- oh crap."

"Did you loose him already?"

Amanda gritted her teeth. "He's going to see her."

Sonny hit the steering wheel, frustrated. "Babe, I swear I'll make it up to you," he vowed, swerving the car around.

Sonny ran into the hotel, skidding by the front desk. "Can you tell me where Amy Santiago-" he stopped when his eyes landed on Jake, nursing a scotch in the hotel bar. "Thanks. Jake. What happened dude?"

"Well, I went to her door, knocked, and this dude answered," Jake said, voice breaking. "I punched him."

Sonny snorted. "You knocked out Amy's new boyfriend?"

"It wasn't Amy's new boyfriend. His name was Joey Adalian, he's an identity thief who just got back from London. Apparently, earlier in the summer, Amy stopped in a coffee shop he worked at, and he stole her credit card," Jake finished.

"That's good though- right? Amy doesn't have a new boyfriend and she's not in New York," Sonny pointed out.

Jake sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Yeah. I don't know. Those credit card charges were the only remaining connection I had to her. I don't know where she is or what she's doing. She was my whole life man and now she's... She's gone."

Sonny gripped Jake's shoulder. "You know, first day at college, I showed up, I was so freaked out and I got up to my room and there was my roommate, lying on the bed with his feet up on the wall. He had headphones on, a big smile on his face like he just didn't give a crap. Happy. Confident. Not afraid of anything. That guy was you. You before you met Amy. You were high out of your mind, but what I'm saying is, there's a version of you without Amy and... It's not this. You can't let Amy steal your identity the way that guy stole hers."

Jake took a deep breath. "Ok. Ok, you're right. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to be okay."

 **YEAR 2036**

"He wasn't okay the next day kids, because that's not how life works. The next morning, he found one of her socks or something, and we were back to square one. But one morning, your Aunt Rosa woke me up and escorted me to the kitchen. We found him, making waffles for the first time since Amy left. It took him 67 days and one batch of waffles, but Jake had come back from the dead. Because while baseball, strippers and guns can help, the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time," Sonny said wisely.

"Does Aunt Amy ever come back?" Cobie asked sadly.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Coe, of course she does. We literally just saw her the other day. And we have John, Holly, and Hans, so you know there's a happy ending," he said gently.

Cobie smiled. "Oh yeah. Well. When does she come back daddy? Is Uncle Jake really mad at her? Were you really mad at her?"

Sonny chuckled. "I'm getting there kids. Anyways. Jake and Amy had been together for nine wonderful years until she dumped him and ran off to London. The healing process was taking a long time. Then, one night he made a giant leap forward."

 **YEAR 2012**

Rosa smacked the table lightly, smiling at Amanda, Jake, and Sonny. "I have to go," she said.

"I'll walk you out," Sonny offered.

Jake smiled half heartedly, and Amanda raised her eyebrows. "Did you just check out Rosa's ass?" she asked, impressed.

Jake flushed, straightening his shirt. "I did not," he said hotly.

"That's amazing! You're finally forgetting that short Cuban," Amanda praised.

"Amy?" Jake asked, confused.

Sonny returned to the bar, and Amanda gripped his shoulder in excitement. "Dude, Jake just checked out your girlfriend's ass!"

Sonny grinned. "Awesome! You're finally getting better!"

"This is the moment I've been waiting for," Amanda said excitedly. "Starting tonight, I'm gonna teach you how to live! Sonny you're out, Jake's in," she said dismissively. "Jake. Being single in New York City is like being in a candy store. You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers. I am not going to take no for an answer."

Jake sighed. "Alright, fine Amanda."

"Hey Rosa, Jake checked out your ass today," Sonny said over the phone.

"Aw, he checked out my ass? Tell him thanks, I feel like I was having a bad ass day," Rosa said casually. "I'll see you later, bye."

She shut her phone and dug into her purse for the keys to her apartment. When she looked up, a very sheepish looking Amy was at her doorstep. "Amy?" she asked, shocked.

"It's a wonderful ass," Amy said meekly, twirling her highlighted hair in her fingers

Rosa shook her head in disbelief. "Amy. It's been three months. I have so many questions. But first, your hair is adorable."

Amy smiled slightly. "Thanks," she said.

Meanwhile, Amanda had taken Jake out to hit on other women, for the first time since Jake was 18. "Hi, have you met Jake?" Amanda said smoothly.

"Hi," Jake said nervously. "Look at how sweaty my hands are," he remarked, wincing.

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Hey look at this magic trick," she said loudly, distracting the girl.

"Dude, you were awesome last night. You were charming, you were funny. You were totally working that girl," Amanda said kindly, the next morning.

Jake glared at her. "You went home with her!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, I did. But she told me that if it wasn't for me you would've had a shot with her. So in hypothetical terms, you scored last night! All right! Hypothetical high five! Nice! Tonight, we're gonna go to the bar," Amanda started.

Jake huffed, hugging a pillow to himself. "I'm never going out with you again," he said petulantly.

Rosa rushed over to Sonny, pulling him aside. "You're never going to believe this," she said lowly.

At the same time, Sonny exclaimed. "You've gotta hear this!"

"You go first," Rosa said.

"I found a 1939 penny on the subway," Sonny marveled, brandishing a copper coin.

"Amy's back in town," Rosa hissed, smacking Sonny's shoulder.

Sonny smacked his forehead. "You let me go first?" he said accusingly. "Have you seen her?"

Rosa paused awkwardly, wringing her hands. "We went apartment hunting today."

"How is she?" Sonny asked coldly.

"You're not gonna like it," Rosa warned. "She's doing really good. Her theatre program was really fulfilling, and it sounded like she met some really great people."

Sonny narrowed his eyes. "She's happy? Jake had the worst summer of his life and she has the nerve to be _happy_? Oh, she's such a... godda... God! After what she did to Jake, she should come back here devastated. Crawling over the broken glass of her own shame and regret."

Rosa rolled her eyes. "I like how you never chose sides," she said sarcastically.

"I can't believe her. She's absolutely unbelievable," Sonny said hotly.

"What's unbelievable?" Jake asked, appearing at Sonny's side.

Sonny bit his lip, trying to form words. "Sonny found a really old coin and it's unbelievably interesting," Rosa supplied.

Jake nodded respectfully. "Congrats dude," he said before walking back over to Amanda.

"We have to tell her," Sonny insisted.

"Not when he's just starting to move on," Rosa replied.

Later that week, Amy, Sonny, and Rosa were relaxing at Rosa's place. They had gone apartment hunting earlier in the day. Amy was talking amicably about her experience in London. "I don't know what's going to happen for me next, but anyways, I shouldn't just talk all night about my trip- how are you guys? And hey, how's Jake doing?"

"Terrific," Sonny said cheerily, eyeing Amy suspiciously.

Amy's phone began to ring. She excused herself and waltzed into the kitchen. Sonny turned to Rosa gleefully. "She's absolutely miserable," he said smugly.

Rosa scoffed. "Why do you think that?" she asked, intrigued.

"I've known Amy since we were 18. I can tell when she's hiding something. And I know how to drag it out of her. Cuervo is her weakness. Three shots and she'll be ready to tell all. I bet you 5 American dollars," Sonny said, eyes glinting mischievously.

Amy came back, crestfallen. "I-uh, I didn't get that apartment I wanted," she said weakly, face crumbling.

She began to sob loudly, and Sonny turned on Rosa triumphantly. "Interesting. Wow Amy, you, uh, seem to be having a pretty strong reaction to losing this apartment. I wonder is it because it reminds you of something you lost because you couldn't commit?"

Rosa glared at me bitterly. "No, Ames, your crying over the crown molding and the polished hardwood floors. There is no deeper meaning."

Amy hiccuped. "The apartment is a metaphor for Jake," she sobbed.

While Amy was crying uncontrollably, Jake and Amanda clamored into a cab. Jake was brandishing a slip of paper, marvelling at it. "Whoo! I did it! I got a girl's phone number! Oh, and her handwriting is so cute. Look. I'll take her out for Chinese food and then we'll walk through the park. It'll be so," Jake sighed, before looking at Amanda. "What?"

She tsked, swiping the card from Jake. "Sorry buddy, I'm taking this one too," she said.

Jake screamed and the two began squabbling over the business card.

"Look, if you want Jake back so bad, how come it took you two days to ask about him?" Sonny asked, slightly sympathetic.

"I was just playing it cool, every time Rosa opened her mouth I was dying to ask about Jake," Amy whimpered.

Sonny furrowed his brow. "Ames. I gotta say, out of all the time I knew you, that was the absolute best performance of you 'playing it cool,'" Sonny acknowledged kindly.

"It was such an awful summer," Amy moaned.

"I thought your program went well?" Rosa asked, confused.

"It was great. But every time I got home, I couldn't stop thinking about Jake. Everything reminded me of him, and I missed him so badly," Amy sniffed. "I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed. I screwed everything up. I have no job, no place to live. I lost the love of my life. Look, I know I have no right to ask this but do you think Jake would take me back? Should I call him?" she asked timidly.

"He would take you back in a heartbeat. He'd take you back with open arms. But Amy. If you're gonna go back to him, I don't wanna hear the word "maybe". "Maybe" cannot be in your vocabulary. This break-up almost killed him. And he cannot go through it again. So, unless you're absolutely certain, stay the hell away from him," Sonny said sternly.

Down in the bar, Amanda greeted Jake cheerfully. "Hi Jake."

Jake crossed his arms, giving Amanda a steely glare. "No, go away, I don't want to talk to you," he grumbled.

Amanda sighed, sliding into the booth. "OK. I know what I did a couple nights back was is in a moral grey area. But the great news is she loved you. If things had gone your way, you'd gone out a couple time, I think she definitely would've had sex with you," she said sympathetically.

Jake sighed. "I'm just no good at this Amanda! I'm good at being in a couple. I'm good at being Amy's boyfriend. Being single, forget it. I haven't been single in nearly a decade. You said to me that being single would be like being in a candy store," Jake said accusingly.

"Well, it's not like a candy store. It's a lawless, post-apocalyptic wasteland. I may be your best friend..."

Jake interjected, "Sonny's my best friend."

Amanda continued obliviously. "But in this world it's every man or woman for his or her self. That's what being single is. And after nine years of captivity, that is the single greatest lesson I can teach you about surviving in the wild."

Jake shook his head, finishing his beer. He sauntered out of the bar, colliding directly with Amy. "Amy. What are you doing here?" he asked breathlessly.

Amy flushed, fidgeting with her hands. "Oh, I-I was just walking by. I wasn't... Oh, you mean, New York? My program ended. It was just great. Just lots of fun. It was awful. It was the worst mistake I ever made. I'm so sorry Jake. And, hello," Amy said hurriedly, smiling faintly.

Jake frowned, stepping away from her. "Amy, this was the worst summer of my life. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through."

Amy nodded emphatically. "I know. It was the worst summer of my life. Can we please get back together?" she asked hopefully.

Jake shook his head, his voice breaking. "All that crap you said to me about "we need to figure out who we are outside of us, and we need to learn to do things on our own.". It broke my heart. Three months ago, you broke my heart. Amy, you were right. All that crap was right. So, no. No, we can't get back together. We shouldn't. At least, not right now," Jake said shakily.

 **YEAR 2036**

Lily's eyes widened. "I can't believe Uncle Jake did that," she said in awe.

Sonny smiled. "Uncle Jake still says that was one of the hardest things he's ever had to do in his life."

Michael nodded slowly. "They get back together though, obviously," he said casually.

Sonny smirked. "They do, but it takes a while for us to get there. And we're getting there."

"Very slowly," Kyle said wryly.

Sonny ignored him, continuing. "Kids you know that photo in the den? It was taken back in 2012, when Grandma and Grandpa came to visit me and we all went out to brunch. We all look pretty happy, right? Wrong. You see kids, Amy and Jake have only hung out about twice since their breakup, and they were being, well, pretty hostile. To make a long story short, they both tried to seduce the other over brunch with my folks. To make things even worse, your Aunt Amanda was very upset that I didn't tell my parents about her. But, in all reality, Aunt Amanda wasn't the type of friend you told your parents about. No, she was the friend you loved in small infrequent doses. So she spent the entire meal sucking up to my parents. This actually upset your Aunt Rosa, because this was the first time she was meeting my parents as well, and she wanted to give the best impression. On top of this triad of disaster, and what I didn't know was that back in 2012, grandma and grandpa had been separated for two years. They came clean at that brunch, but I didn't know for two years."

Michael's jaw dropped. "Holy hell dad, your life was a mess," he remarked warily.

Sonny rolled his eyes. "My twenties was an interesting time, kids."

"When do Aunt Amy and Uncle Jake get back together?" Cobie asked eagerly.

"A few weeks after Rosa and I had our first fight. Which, by the way kids, back in 2012, my job as a detective was fairly dull. I was working out of Brooklyn's 99th precinct, and the commute between Brooklyn and Manhattan was irritating at best. Your Aunt Rosa tried convincing me to join Manhattan's precinct, but I wasn't too keen on change, and I fought back, hard. Besides, your Uncle Jake worked that precinct with me," Sonny explained. "Anyways, after that fight, your Aunt Amy was living in a dingy, crappy apartment. So she moved in with Aunt Amanda."

Kyle snorted. "Aunt Amanda and Aunt Amy living together? Was it as big of a disaster as I think?"

Sonny nodded solemnly. "Your Aunt Amanda, as you know, had a reputation for lying to girls to sleep with them. She thought Aunt Amy was the perfect way to rid herself of one night stands, and it turns out, she was. But after a singular Friday where Aunt Amanda stayed in instead of going out, they had a really bitter fight, and we all decided they were better off in their own respective places. While Aunt Amy got domestic with Aunt Amanda, Uncle Jake started faux-dating one of the other detectives at the precinct. He and Terry did all sorts of things, go to brunch, concerts, museums. It was all pretty tame until Terry got back together with his girlfriend," Sonny said.

"And _now_ Aunt Amy and Uncle Jake get back together?" Lily asked impatiently.

"There's an amazing story behind that, actually," Sonny noted with a small smile.

 **YEAR 2012**

Several weeks passed after Sonny's parents came to visit. Sonny, Amanda, and Jake were are corralled into a coffee shop, sipping their beverages leisurely. "I guess hanging out at a coffee shop isn't nearly as fun as hanging out in a bar," Sonny sighed.

Amanda snorted, looking at Jake's cup. "The coffee girl must have a crush on you," she quipped. "She drew a heart on your cup."

Jake's eyes lit up hopefully. "Really? I did tell her a pretty good joke about pumpkin lattes the other day," he said bashfully.

"You should totally ask her out," Sonny said encouragingly.

"You think? Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes it on all the cups? " Jake asked, thinking intensely.

"Yeah, that why you're not back with Amy, right? So you can experience what it's like to be single. Mine says "Sonny," no heart," Sonny said.

Amanda scrutinized her cup. "Mine says...Armino?" Amanda said, shocked. "How'd they get "Amino" from "Amanda"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Amino"? Oh, please don't start calling me "Amino." This would never happen at a bar! Man!" Amanda said, frustrated.

Sonny chuckled. "What's up with Amino?"

Jake nodded enthusiastically "I know. You almost never see old Amino get that upset.

Sonny glided into the apartment with pride. He gained Rosa's attention, tapping her shoulder. "Guess what?" he said excitedly. Before Rosa could answer, Sonny said, "Jake asked out a girl."

"Wow," Rosa said, beaming.

"Oh, of course, you know, he had a little help," Sonny said dismissively.

"Amino hooked him up?" Rosa asked casually.

"Oh, good. You got my text," Sonny said approvingly.

Amy walked into the apartment cheerfully. "Hey!" she greeted. "Are you free tomorrow night? I was thinking of having a wine tasting slash "help me catch the rat in my apartment" party."

"That's a great idea, you can put out cheese for both," Sonny commented.

"I should invite Jake, right? It'd be weird if I didn't," Amy said casually, worrying her lower lip.

"Yeah, I don't think he can go," Sonny said cautiously.

"Really? Why not?"

Sonny glanced at Rosa briefly, before stepping forward. "Uh, okay, um Ames, we have to tell you something. Jake has a date."

Amy's face fell, but only for a split second. She smiled widely, "Good for him," she said kindly.

"Really? You're okay with it?" Rosa asked.

"Look, we've been broken up almost six months. I mean, I'm not thrilled about the idea, but he has every right to date someone else," Amy said reluctantly.

Later the next evening, Jake approached the table tentatively. He gestured to a pretty blond girl he was escorting. "Uh hey, I'd like you guys to officially meet Dr. Rossi, uh, Mary," he said.

"It's nice to meet you guys," Mary said, smiling at the small group. "I'll be right back," she said to Jake, putting a hand on his upper arm before walking off to the restroom.

"Right? Right? She's hot! And she likes me? She likes Italian food. I also like Italian food. She likes Billy Joel. I also like music. And I think we're going to go out again," Jake said, oozing excitement.

"Dude, you gotta ditch her," Amanda said casually.

"Totally," Sonny said in solemn agreement.

"She's got the crazy eyes. The eyes. They're crazy," Amanda said seriously.

"What are you guys talking about, the crazy eyes?" Jake asked, his nose wrinkling in disbelief.

"It's a well-documented condition of the pupils. It's an indicator of future mental instability," Amanda explained.

"She does not have the crazy eyes," Jake scoffed.

"You just can't see it because you're afflicted with "haven't been laid in a while" blindness," Sonny said.

"You guys, I'm not going to stop dating Mary just because you think she has the crazy eyes," Jake said, rolling his eyes.

"You can keep going out with her, but you're gonna regret it," Amanda warned.

"Look, there was a time I didn't believe in the crazy eyes either, and then I met Jeanine. She had serious crazy eyes," Sonny said.

"You guys, Mary is not gonna do any of that stuff," Jake raised his hand dismissively. "She's a nice girl from Nebraska. She's not crazy. She's awesome."

Sooner or later, the crazy comes bubbling to the surface, much to Jake's chagrin. Jake was working a double one day when his phone began ringing incessantly. After a solid 15 minutes of trying to focus on the case, Jake caved, excusing himself to the bathroom and opening his cellphone. "Hello?" he asked wearily.

"Jake, it's Mary," the other voice said.

"Are you the one who's called me like nine times?"

Mary confirmed this hurriedly. "Could you come get me?"

Jake paused, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm in the middle of a double shift."

He could hear Mary breathing anxiously on the phone. "Please. I'm so scared. This weird midget guy started following me and he was screaming at me and he had a limp and a big hump on his back and the police didn't believe me and I almost got trampled by a horse and God I must sound totally crazy to you right now," she said with a small chuckle.

"No. Not at all," Jake said quickly, not really believing his own words.

That afternoon, Jake relayed his story in the bar. "So, she's needy crazy," Amanda said pitifully. "That's one of the worst kinds. I've had one of those. Makes up stories to get attention. Went out with her for three weeks- her dad died twice."

"Guys, she was really freaked out, okay? Maybe the story is true," Jake said defensively.

"What in the world would make you believe that's a true story?" Sonny asked incredulously.

"She's really hot," Jake whined.

"They always are," Amanda said wistfully

"You all done with that, Sonny?" A waiter came by, gesturing to Sonny's empty glass.

"Dummy. I told you to call him Dummy," Amanda hissed.

Sonny snorted. "That's just sad."

"Sorry, Amino," the waiter said with an unapologetic grin.

Rosa strolled in, shifting into the booth next to Sonny. "What's up Meeno?"

Amanda turned red and smacked the table ceremoniously. "No. Okay? No. No more. I will not let this become a thing. It's over. No more Amino. No. No more Amino Acid. No more Ami-wait for it-no. No more. No! It's over. Do you understand?" she said heatedly.

"Yes," Sonny and Rosa chorused.

"Thank you," Amanda said, still pink, straightening out a wrinkle in her skirt.

Amy strolled into the apartment casually. "Where's Jake?" she asked

"Oh, he's getting a haircut for his date," Sonny said, thumbing through a magazine.

"Good for him. Hope he has a good time tonight," Amy said stiffly.

"Relax, you've got nothing to worry about. The girl's crazy," Amanda remarked. "He'll just have wild monkey sex with her five times, max, and be done with her."

"Thanks again Amino," Amy said sarcastically.

"You know, I was thinking about this whole new name thing last night, and you know what I realized? I like it," Amanda said grinning widely.

"You like being called Amino? Are you kidding? I want you to call me that."

"Do you really think this is gonna work?" Sonny asked skeptically.

"Do I think what's gonna work? I'm just saying, I love my new name, so please only call me that from now on," Amanda announced.

"Call you what?" Sonny goaded.

"You know, that-that-that new name that you've been calling me," Amanda said, smile faltering.

"Say it," insisted Rosa.

"Why? You guys know what it is," Amanda said irritably.

"Say the name," Sonny pressed.

"No, I don't want to! I hate it! I hate it! It's not funny! It's never been funny! I've never done any- No!" Amanda shouted, storming out angrily.

"Man, she is really gonna lose it when all the magazine subscriptions start coming in," Sonny said.

"Hey, where's the picture of Jake and me at the pier? Didn't it used to be by that window?" Amy asked, scrutinizing the table by the door.

"Oh, yeah, he, uh, he sort of took it down when you left. Put it behind some books, I think," Sonny said.

"Oh, well-well, maybe I should put it back up," Amy suggested.

"Why, so Mary will see it and get scared off?"

"No. So Jake will see it and feel guilty," Amy said, flushing.

Later that night, while Jake was on his date, Amy came back. She heard Jake and Mary fumbling around in the kitchen. Amy panicked and did what any sensible woman would do. She hid under the desk, she staying there, listening to her ex-fiance on a date with another woman.

"So, do just you and Sonny live here or does Amino live here, too?" Mary asked.

"Nah. Amino has her own place.," Jake said, walking to the fridge. "I'll grab us some beer."

A loud crash echoed through the apartment, and Jake whipped his head around. "What was that?" he exclaimed.

Mary laughed, righting herself. "Oh, I, uh, dropped my keys."

"So, here you go," Jake said with a hesitant smile, handing her a bottle.

"What is that? This picture is broken," Jake said slowly, picking up the dropped frame.

"Oh. That's too bad," Mary said sincerely. She gestured to the picture. "Is that Amy? Is that the girl you were going to marry?"

Jake nodded slowly. "Yeah."

He sat down on the couch, patting the cushion next to him. "Let me look into your eyes," he said warily.

Mary obliged, staring at Jake with adoration. "I had a really nice time tonight," she said shyly.

"Yeah, me, too," Jake said, distracted as he peered into Mary's hazel eyes intently. "Stop blinking."

"I like your eyes a lot, too," Mary giggled, inching closer.

Amy, fed up, sailed in between them from behind the couch. "Stop!" she cried, thudding to the floor. She twisted her torso and extended her hand. "Hi. I'm Amy," she said sheepishly.

"Amy, what the hell are you doing?" Jake exclaimed, bewildered.

"I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just I'm gonna go. I'm so sorry. Enjoy the rest of your date," Amy said, voice breaking as she scurried out the door.

"She seems nice," Mary said pleasantly.

Jake excused himself hurriedly, following Amy out the door. He found her on the front porch, sniffling pitifully. "Amy, what the hell?"

"I'm sorry. I only snuck up there because when I saw how cute she was yesterday, I freaked out," Amy cried, swiping at her eyes.

"Amy, you saw her yesterday?" Jake asked, confused.

"Yeah, I kind of chased her down the street," Amy admitted.

Jake furrowed his brow in confusion before turning on her. "Wait, so you were the hunchback with the limp?"

"Yeah. And she didn't break the picture, I did," Amy confessed.

"So Mary's not crazy, she's just a nice, normal girl," Jake concluded.

Amy's eyes welled up again. "Yeah, she is. And you deserve a nice, normal girl. So, why don't you just go back up there and-and finish your date."

Jake nodded slowly. "Okay," he paused before asking Amy, "Wait, if you were the hunchback, then why did she think you were a guy?"

Amy deepened her voice sheepishly. "I might have used a voice that sounded like this. I didn't want her to know it was me, which I now realize doesn't make sense, because she hadn't even met me."

Jake snickered, looking at Amy fondly. "You're crazy. You have crazier eyes than anybody that have ever met mean, you're out of your mind. You're just absolutely insane."

"Shouldn't you be going back upstairs?" Amy sniffed, wiping away tears.

Jake leaned in, capturing her lips in a soft kiss. "I've missed you so much," he murmured, fingers dancing over her cheek gently.

 **YEAR 2036**

"So right there, in the exact same place that six months earlier I had walked up and found Jake alone, crying over his breakup with Amy, I found him again. Only this time he wasn't alone, and he was happy. So we went to the bar to celebrate, and it was great. I was with Rosa, Jake and Amy were back together, and Amanda had a cool new name. And things were back to normal. Almost," Sonny said.

"Did they get engaged again?" Cobie asked.

"Yes, and it was a moment of happiness, followed of course by a moment of total panic. See, when they called off their first wedding, Uncle Jake was left with the unfortunate task of telling his entire family. And this is the story of how Uncle Jake and Aunt Amy got married for 12 seconds somewhere off the coast of Atlantic City."

 **YEAR 2012**

"You may not have much range, but at least I'm marrying a guy who knows how to make waffles," Amy said happily, sitting at the kitchen table.

Jake's smile faltered. "Oh, uhm..."

Amy flushed. "I mean, uhm... Well, I... I realize that we haven't really discussed whether us getting back together means us getting married, but... I still wanna. Do you still wanna?" she asked shyly.

"Really? That's how you're gonna do it? "Do you still wanna?" That's like the lamest proposal ever. When I did it, I got down on my knees... I don't know, I'm just saying," Jake said, averting his eyes.

Amy snickered, getting on her knees. "Jake Peralta, will you ma..."

She was interrupted by Jake waving his hands. "No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't lead with that. You got to... build up to that. You got to have, like, a little speech. I mean, you could tell me, like, about how good-looking and funny and smart I am and I've been working out lately. It might be nice for you to mention something about that."

Amy rolled her eyes before taking Jake's hand in hers. "Jake... You are good-looking... Funny... Smart..."

"And a few tears wouldn't hurt," Jake interjected.

Amy scoffed. "Okay, would you freakin' marry me already?" she asked impatiently.

Jake's face softened. "I'll marry you. Of course. But, uhm, until you see a ring on this finger, don't expect me to put out," he said seriously.

"Yeah, right," Amy grumbled, before her expression brightened. "Oh, my God. We're getting married!"

Jake grinned "I know, I know."

Amy's face darkened again. "Man, I made a big mess by canceling this wedding, didn't I?"

Jake squeezed her hands. "It's okay, baby. You're not just realizing that now, are you?"

"God, the idea of standing up there in front of all those people who hate my guts... Just makes me want to run off to Atlantic City and get married today."

She and Jake made eye contact, smiling, before grabbing their coats and leaving the apartment. They took a cab to Metro News One, bursting into the studio. "Rosa! Stop the news!" Jake screamed.

A crew lady jumped. "What the hell?" she exclaimed.

Rosa raised her hand quickly, dismissing her. "It's okay. They're my friends."

"We're going to Atlantic City to elope. You got to come with us," Amy said excitedly.

Rosa's eyebrows shot into her hairline. "Oh, my God, that is so fantastic! I don't know if I can just leave work," she said, disappointed.

The crew lady smiled. "It's okay, Mike can read the news tonight," she said.

Rosa rose from the table and hugged Amy out of excitement, "Let's go to Atlantic City!" she shouted.

"You guys are eloping! Oh, that's fantastic. Wait, is this because there's a time crunch Uncle Sonny should know about?" Sonny exclaimed when Amy phoned him.

Amy snickered. "I hope not because I plan on getting hammered."

"Let's go to Atlantic City! I just need to tell my boss, but I'll join you as soon as I can," Sonny promised.

Amanda strolled into the bar, where he was ambushed by Amy. "Hey, guys."

"We're going to Atlantic City to elope right now!" Amy squealed.

Amanda smiled kindly. "Oh, congratulations, Amy," she turned to Jake, hitting him on the arm. "Jake, you're getting married? What the hell?"

Jake scowled, rubbing his shoulder. "So are you in or not?" he asked impatiently.

Amanda grinned. "Hell, yeah, I'm in!"

Amy walked into the casino, marveling at the volume of elderly people gambling in the vicinity. "Wow. Look at this place. I guess I'll have my pick of something old," she sighed dreamily.

Jake squinted at a woman who was relatively still. "And something blue. Somebody should really check on this lady."

Amanda surveyed the place fondly. "Ah, A.C., always in decline, never hitting bottom. It's good to be back, old friend."

Amy pointed out a garishly decorated entrance. "The wedding chapel... This is it. Are you ready to do this?"she turned to Jake.

Jake nodded. "I'm ready. Let's get married."

Amy's eyes widened. "Oh crap. I don't have a veil. I'm a bride, I can't get married without a veil. And a bouquet. I need a veil and a bouquet. Oh, my God, we're getting married."

Twenty minutes later, Amanda swaggered in, headpiece in hand. "Okay, I got the veil. She wasn't ready to be married," she said nonchalantly.

Amy hurried over, anxiety rolling off of her like static electricity. "Oh, good. Did you get the veil?"

"Of course."

Rosa reappeared, bouquet in hands. "Okay, I'm here."

Sonny grinned fondly. "Jake and Amy are getting married!"

Amy nodded. "Hell, yeah, look at this," she pressed a button on her bouquet, and an electronic orchestra played the Wedding March.

Jake smiled. "Oh, baby, this is it. Let's do this thing."

Amy approached the receptionist. "Hi. We're here to get married," she said excitedly.

"Congratulations. We offer a variety of packages to give you the special day you've always dreamed about," the receptionist said dully.

Jake waved his hand dismissively. "We don't want any of that. Just your basic quickie wedding will be fine."

The receptionist rolled her eyes. "Yeah. You know this isn't Vegas, right? It takes three days to get a marriage license in New Jersey. The earliest I could book you for is Monday."

Sonny was confused, he asked "Wait, I don't understand, people get married in Atlantic City all the time."

"Yes, they do, but they don't elope. They choose Atlantic City for its white sand beaches, world-class amenities, and exotic Riviera feel," the receptionist countered.

"Is there any way that we could get a license today?" Amy begged.

"Nope."

Jake sighed in frustration. "Baby, anyplace we go, we're gonna need a marriage license."

"Except international waters. So let's find a ship captain. A ship captain can marry us. There's boats all over this place. This is a great idea. This is gonna work. Let's go," Amy said, hurrying off.

"I should go talk to her," Jake murmured.

Rosa stopped him. "No, let me."

Rosa walked over to Amy, who was frantically interrogating every person she came across. Rosa pulled her aside. "Okay, Ames, why is it so important to do this today?"

Amy pushed her hair out of her eyes. "Because... If we don't do it today, I just know we're gonna wind up having a huge wedding with a huge crowd full of huge people looking all disapproving and judging me while sipping little cups of mayonnaise and cracking runaway bride jokes all night long."

Rosa smiled. "Nobody's gonna do that," she reassured.

"No, they're not because I'm not gonna give them the chance. I'm gonna find a ship captain and we're gonna be married tonight," Amy insisted.

Rosa sighed. "Sweetie, this is crazy. You're never gonna find a ship capt."

She was interrupted by Jake, who ran up to Amy, out of breath. "Hey, Ames. Found a ship captain."

Sonny chipped in. "Yeah. First guy we talked to. Ship captain. How great is that?"

Amy looked at Rosa pointedly. "See? See, this is destiny." She turned to the captain. "So, captain, can you take us out to international waters and marry us?"

The captain smiled. "I sure can. If there's one things I love, it's bringing people together in marriage."

On the boat, the crew stared at the skyline in admiration. "Okay. Let's get this started," Amy said.

"We stand witness today to celebrate the union of Amy and Jake. Today, you two will become one, sharing your lives, the happiness, the sadness, the frustrations and the joy..."

"his is pretty cool. I can't believe you never want to get married," Sonny said, turning to Rosa.

Rosa smiled. "I never said "never."

The captain began speaking "It's so great that you two are hereto declare your love and devotion to each other in front of friends and family, all the people who matter most to you."

"We don't want to do this," Amy interrupted.

Sonny hit his forehead, exclaiming, "Are you kidding me? You guys are calling off another wedding? You actually expect any of us are gonna come to your third wedding?"

Amy nodded defiantly. "Yes. Because it's gonna be amazing. Look, before I was afraid to face Jake's family and I didn't want to do all that work, but... Now that we're here... I realize that I have to face Jake's family and I really want to do all that work."

Jake nodded in agreement. "So do I. And yeah... My family might still be upset with you. But when they see us up there, they're gonna see how much we love each other and none of that other stuff is gonna matter."

"I love you, Jake," Amy said.

Jake placed his hand on he back of Amy's head, pulling her close. "I love you, too, Amy."

The ship captain smiled. "I now pronounce you man and wife."

"What?!" Amy exclaimed.

The captain looked befuddled. "Is that not right?" he questioned.

Jake stumbled backwards. "Are... we married? Did you just marry us? Weren't you listening? We don't want to be married."

The ship captain looked sheepish. "Uh... I-I suppose I could unpronounce you."

"Unpronounce us! Unpronounce us!" Amy yelled, glaring at him soundly.

"All right, I unpronounce you man and wife."

Amy's shoulders sagged in relief. "Oh, whew... That was close."

The gang rejoiced gleefully, as the boat returned to land. They resumed their everyday life, and Amy struck up the courage to announce her and Jake's new engagement. Life passed by without incident. Something Sonny learned about relationships is that you're never done getting to know someone. Everyone has secrets. Some are nice. Some aren't as nice. And some are just weird.

"So I think Rosa's hiding something from me," Sonny said casually, one day at the bar.

"Sonny, you should be happy Rosa has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal 'oh' moment," Amanda said.

"The 'oh' moment?" Jake questioned

Amanda nodded, chewing on a tortilla chip. "Yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal breaker. So, trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible."

Sonny shook his head. "I disagree. If there's some potential 'oh' moment, I want to know about it right away."

"Yeah, I agree with Sonny. In a real relationship, you share everything. That's why Jake and I don't keep any secrets," Amy said smugly.

Amanda smiled condescendingly. "You are such a cutie pie. Here's a quarter, go play something on the jukebox."

Sonny snorted. "It's true. They tell each other everything."

Amanda scoffed. "I can think of tons of things there's no way Jake told you."

"Try me," Amy challenged her.

"Do you know about the time the Jake was in Trenton?"

"Doggie ate his pants. Yep."

Amanda curled up her lip, wracking her brain. "Bill's bachelor party in Memphis."

"Oh, when they had to pump out all the nickels from his stomach?" Amy asked.

"OK, Seattle," Amanda countered.

"Trick question, Jake's never been to the Pacific Northwest because he's afraid of Sasquatch," Amy said triumphantly.

Jake held up his hand defensively. "I'm not afraid of Sasquatch. I just think we should all be on alert."

Sonny chortled. "Trust me, not only do they tell each other everything. They want to know everything. Meanwhile, Rosa tells me nothing."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Fine, do you want to know what Rosa's secret is? Our friend, Rosa, used to do porn, wait for it, ography."

Sonny grimaced. "Yeah, we didn't really have to wait for that. And it's ridiculous."

Amy shrugged. "I don't know, he could be right. She does have the fake orgasm noises down."

"Hey!" Sonny exclaimed.

Amy held her hands up defensively. "What? The walls are thin."

Sonny glared. "That's not what I'm hey-ing you about."

Jake intervened. "You know what it might be. This is gonna sound a little crazy but what if Rosa's married?"

Sonny furrowed his brow in concentration. "Married? What does have to do with anything?"

"Well, maybe she got married at a really young age and she's just ashamed," Jake suggested.

"She's not married. Rosa hates marriage," Sonny said with half a frown.

"Because she already got married," Jake repeated.

Amanda scoffed. "Guys, there's not way Rosa's married. It's ludicrous to even suggest it."

"Thank you Amanda," Sonny said gratefully.

"'Cause it's porn," Amanda finished.

Sonny huffed, drumming his fingers on the table. "I need another beer," he : Rosa is not in porn. I'll bet you anything that she's married.

Amanda leaned in. "20,000 says it's porn," she wagered.

"I don't have 20,000," Jake protested.

Amanda: Well then, what do you have?

Jake turned to Amy. "Well."

Amy shook her head firmly. "No."

Amanda clapped her hands together. "I got it. The ultimate wager. Slap bet."

Sonny brightened at the idea. "Oh, slap bet. We used to do those when I was a kid."

"What the hell's a slap bet?" Amy asked, wrinkling her nose.

"Whoever's right gets to slap the other person in the face as hard as they possibly can, but no rings," Jake explained eagerly.

"Are you really gonna do that? That's so immature," she said condescendingly.

"You can be Slap Bet Commissioner," Jake suggested.

Amy practically shot out of her seat. "Oh, I love it. What are my powers?"

Jake snickered. "Um, if a problem arises and we need a ruling, that's your job."

Amanda interrupted. "But you have to be unbiased and put the integrity of slap bet above all else. This is an honor you will take with you to your grave. On your tombstone, it will read "Amy Santiago, caring wife, loving friend, Slap Bet Commissioner." Deal?"

"And your tombstone will read, "got slapped by Jake so hard, he died." What up," Jake said coolly, giving Sonny a high five.

Sonny cracked his knuckles. "All right, what if I ask Rosa point-blank if she has a husband?"

"You said you would respect her privacy so maybe you should just drop it," Amy reminded him.

Sonny nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you're right."

Sonny and Rosa spent the night in, playing a quiet game of Scrabble. Sonny wracked his brain, looking for a conversational link strong enough to bear his impeding question. "Oh, hey, this is great, you're gonna love this. Jake, you know Jake. He thinks that the reason you didn't wanna go to the mall the other day is because you got married and have a husband in Canada," he said bluntly.

Rosa, confused, looked at him. "Huh."

Sonny continued. "I told him he's crazy because he's crazy, right? I mean, how crazy is that?"

Rosa met Sonny's eyes with a steely glare. "Are you asking me if I'm married?" she asked lowly.

Sonny squared up to her, staring intensely. "You can ask me. Nope, I'm not married. Your turn."

"What happened to respecting my privacy?" Rosa questioned.

"Just say, "no, I'm not married." It's easy," Sonny said loudly.

"Sonny, I don't understand why you can't..."

"Just say, "no, I'm not married," Rosa," he interrupted.

Rosa exhaled, frustrated. "I can't. Jake's right. I was young and I got married. It was a mistake and he moved away, but, yeah, I'm married."

Sonny repeated himself, trying to let the news settle in. "Oh. You have a husband?"

Rosa sighed. "I was young and stupid and we got married He moved to Hong Kong for work and I was like, good enough."

Sonny stood, shocked. "Good... good enough. That's not good enough. You order pancakes and you get waffles, that's good enough."

"I haven't seen him in years. It's just a part of my life I wanna forget. Just please don't tell anyone about this," Rosa implored.

Sonny nodded.

Jake slapped Amanda with considerable force. Amanda stumbled backward, bringing a hand up to her stinging cheek. "Your hand is monstrous," she murmured.

Jake snorted. "Well, what did you expect? You've seen my penis."

Amy, who was sitting at the booth looked at Sonny. "I can't believe you told us Rosa's secret."

Sonny glared. "How can I keep something like that to myself? And you begged me to tell you."

"Yeah, well, you still shouldn't have told us. I mean, what kind of boyfriend are you?" Amy asked incredulously.

Sonny shook his finger. "See, that's just it. I'm not the boyfriend, I'm the mistress. No, not the mistress. The mastress. Master. What do you call it?" he wondered.

Amanda chortled. "I'm pretty sure we're gonna call is mistress."

Sonny sat in shock. "What am I gonna do? My girlfriend's married. Do I ask her to get a divorce?"

"Sonny, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. It's like their money or their army. Nobody takes it seriously," Amy said casually.

Sonny protested, "It's serious to me."

Jake looked contemplative. "You know what, in some countries, if you've been separated for longer than five years, technically, you're no longer married. You should check it out at the library."

Jake looked at Amanda, chuckling, "I can see my hand print on your face."

Amanda frowned. "Don't get too cocky, Slappy. I just got a shipment of porn from Canada I have to go through," she growled

Jake squinted at Amanda. "I won the bet. Why are you still searching?"

Amanda looked at him, chin raised in defiance. "Just because you were right doesn't mean I'm wrong."

Amy rolled her eyes. "Oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch porn."

Amanda stared at Amy. "Canadian porn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go "oat" of my mind."

Sonny was in the apartment, thumbing through a case file. Jake stomped in through the doorway, knocking snow off of his boots. "Hey," Sonny greeted him pleasantly.

Jake's face contorted in a manner that made him look constipated. Sonny always associated that face with guilt. "Hey. Listen, dude, I gotta talk to you, but you gotta promise me that you won't tell Amanda."

"Fine, I won't tell Amanda. What is it?"

Jake bit his lip. "Rosa's not married."

Sonny stopped in his tracks, closing the file. "What? Then, why would she tell me she was?"

Jake shook his head. "I don't know but I cross-checked every record in Canada. There's no record of her ever being married."

Sonny stuttered. "There must be some mistake."

Jake continued. "I promise you, she's not married. She's not great at parking legally either.

"So, she lied to me? What, what am I gonna do? I can't confront her 'cause then she'll know I told you."

Jake snapped his fingers. "You gotta lawyer her. You gotta ask her a bunch of questions, try to trip her up, maybe make her feel guilty, whatever it takes to get a confession out of her. It'll be good practice for when you go to law school."

Sonny sat in the living room of his apartment, reading a magazine. Rosa opened the door and he barely gave her a glance. "Hey. So I'm trying to process the whole husband situation. So I want to ask you some questions about him."

Rosa give him a bit of a side eye. "Husband's name?"

Rosa grimaced, mentally berating herself for not having a better cover story. "Um."

Sonny eyes gleamed with triumph."You were never married," he said accusingly.

Rosa insisted, "Yes I was."

"No you weren't," Sonny said.

Rosa huffed. "How do you know?" she challenged.

Sonny paused. "I looked it up at the library," he said slowly.

Rosa stepped closer, steely glint in her eyes. "What library?"

Sonny hesitated. "The one on 5th."

"When did you go?"

"Today at lunch. And I had a an apple brie panini with potato salad," Sonny sidetracked.

"I'm not questioning the lunch part, Sonny. What database did you use?" Rosa exclaimed, exasperated.

Sonny caved. "Fine, Jake looked it up at the library."

Rosa sprung to her feet. "You told Jake? This is why I don't tell people secrets. You were supposed to be the one person I trusted the most and even you couldn't keep a secret."

Sonny cried out, "But it was a fake secret."

"Yeah, I was testing you and you failed, and now you're never gonna know what I'm hiding. And it's good too," Rosa said smugly.

"Testing me, that's insane," Sonny argued.

Rosa put her hands on her hips. "Oh yeah, how long did it take for you to tell Jake my biggest secret in the world?" she asked.

Sonny hit his forehead. "That wasn't a real secret."

"Yeah, but it could have been," Rosa snarled.

Sonny sputtered in frustration. "You are driving me crazy. No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong," he yelled, storming into the bedroom.

"He moved there for business," Rosa called after him.

Amanda confronted Jake in the bar, blazing with rage. "You, you got something to say to me?" she asked brusquely.

Jake tried to look confused in a sordid attempt to throw her off. "What are you talking about?" he asked meekly.

Amanda locked her jaw. "I know Rosa was never really married," she said stiffly.

Jake looked at Amanda scornfully. "How could you possibly know that?" he challenged.

Amanda gave Amy a pointed look, and Amy immediately shifted her gaze. Jake turned to her, betrayed. "You told her?"

"I had to. I'm Slap Bet Commissioner. Baby, this hurts me more than it's gonna hurt you," Amy said contritely.

Amanda laughed. "Don't count on it. I've been practicing on a tree trunk."

"Amanda gets three slaps," Amy announced, looking at Jake with pity.

"Three?" Jake questioned.

Amy nodded. "One because you lied. And two for being prematurely slapped. Three slaps."

Amanda leans up, slapping Jake three times. Jake's eyes well up and he rubs them in a not-so-discrete manner. Amanda wrinkled her nose. "Oh my God. Are you gonna cry?"

"No. You're gonna cry," Jake said sullenly.

Sonny clucked his tongue before stating, "I just don't think it's healthy to keep big secrets in a relationship. My parents didn't really talk to each other for thirty years and now they're divorced."

Rosa scoffed. "I have shared more of myself with you than I have ever shared with anyone. I'm asking for this one secret, which has nothing to do with us, to just be mine."

Amanda burst into the apartment. "So I just got a very interesting phone call," she announced smugly.

Sonny asked, "What are you talking about?"

Amanda restated, "I know Rosa's secret."

Rosa raised her eyebrows. "What?"

Amanda put a laptop on the table triumphantly. "That's right, I know your secret, Rosa. I know the truth. And I am about to show it to you right now. Gather around, Sonny, you're gonna wanna see this."

Sonny let out a puff of air. Yeah. No I don't. Rosa wants to keep this a secret so it's gonna stay a secret," he said, shutting the laptop.

Amanda guffawed. "Yeah, it's not gonna stay a secret. You see, in my research, I came upon a certain gentleman in Malaysia who is in possession of a certain video tape. He just emailed me that it will be up and running on Facebook around this time. Rosa's world is about to be turned upside-down. I mean, I'm guessing."

"No, Amanda, I said we're not watching this," Sonny commanded, moving to shut the laptop again.

Rosa cut in. "No, it's time. Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do but if it's out there, there's no point in trying to hide it anymore. Let's just watch it and be done with it."

"Are you as terrified as I am?" Amy whispered.

Petrified, Jake nodded, "I don't wanna get slapped again," he said mournfully.

Rosa flushed. "I wanna stress that I was young," she said quickly

Amanda smirked. "Yeah you were."

Rosa added, "And I didn't know any better."

"They never do," Amanda sighed.

"And it started out as an innocent modeling job."

Amanda sighed wistfully, "It always does."

The video began playing. A grainy image of an open ballet studio filled the screen. Rosa and an older man walked on screen. "Please, Monsieur Johnson, I'm sorry I was a bad girl. Please don't give me detention. Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you?" Rosa pleaded on screen.

Sonny's jaw dropped. "Oh my God."

Amanda grinned triumphantly. "Well, obviously, I've been proven right, so in the interest of Rosa's dignity, I won't show anymore. Plus, it's getting late. It's already slap o'clock."

She turned on her heel, slapping Jake firmly, the noise filling the air like a whip. Rosa turned to the others, bewildered. "What the hell was that?"

Amanda snickered as Jake curled up on the floor. "I slap bet Jake that you did porn, so I win."

Confusedly, Rosa said, "Porn? I wish it was porn, it would be less embarrassing."

Rosa pressed play again. "How about you repeat that sequence from Cinderella until your turn out improves," a gruff voice said.

Rosa nodded, centering herself on the screen, rising into pointe and began a sophisticated dance sequence. Sonny, Amanda, Amy, and Jake looked at Rosa, stunned. She sighed, punching the bridge of her nose. "I studied at the Canadian ballet when I was in high school," she admitted dully, ignoring the video.

Amy's eyes widened gleefully. "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen," she squealed.

"That's you?" Jake asked in wonder.

"Yes. I spent six years at that school. Until I got kicked out for beating up ballerinas," Rosa said ashamed.

Jake smiled, twisting his torso to look at Amanda. "Taking a break from the first of many viewings, I can't help but notice that this isn't porn."

Amy smiled slowly. "And yet a slap occurred without the permission of the Slap Bet Commissioner."

"Looks like someone suffered from premature slapulation," Jake quipped, obviously pleased with himself.

Sonny exclaimed, "Oh my God, Rosa's wearing a tutu."

Amy rubbed her hands together. "OK, I'm going to give you a choice. Either ten slaps right now in a row or five slaps that can be doled at any point from here to eternity," she offered.

Sonny looked away from the laptop briefly. "Go with the 10 now."

Rosa gave her boyfriend a bemused smile. "No, wait, why get 10 when you can get 5?"

Sonny nodded, "Yeah, but the constant fear of knowing that at any moment you can get slapped in the face would drive you crazy," he pointed out.

Amanda bit her lip. "I'm gonna go with the five for eternity," she said decisively.

Jake reached across the table to grab the beer next to Amanda. Amanda flinched violently, and Jake smiled. "Relax, dude, I'm just going for my soda, man. Take it easy. This is gonna be fun."

Amanda smiled at the video fondly. "Wow, we're gonna watch this a lot."

Rosa groaned. "I can't believe I wore a pink tutu."

Sonny wrapped his arm around her. "Hey, just so you know, 16-year-old me would have been all over you. You could have been the girlfriend in Canada I told everyone I had. Hey, I'm really sorry I pried this out of you. I probably should have left it alone," he apologized sincerely.

Rosa gave him a soft kiss. "You know what, you know me better now. That feels kinda nice."

They were interrupted by the solid slap Amanda received from Jake.

 **YEAR 2036**

"Kids, as you know, Christmas is a time you spend with your family. So in December of 2012, I had three options. Spend it with my mom and her new boyfriend, spend it with my dad and his new girlfriend micro-brewing, or head down to Staten Island to spend it with my sister Theresa and her family. So I opted for none of the above and decided to spend Christmas 2012 in Manhattan... celebrating with my other family. We managed to find our old answering machine, and in the process of cycling through the messages, we came across a rather unsavory message I left where I called Aunt Amy a Grinch. But I didn't say "Grinch." I said a bad word. A very, very bad word. Usually my apology beers would have done the trick, but it turned out this was a problem not even alcohol could solve. Actually the beer helped a little," Sonny said reminiscently.

 **YEAR 2012**

Jake stumbled out of his bedroom, eyes shut tight. He used his arms to gauge his surroundings. "Okay, I have one last shift that ends at 5:00 p.m. today, so until then, I will be at the station, but I'm not to be disturbed for any reason," he instructed Amy and Sonny.

Sonny laughed at his friend. "Dude, open your eyes. You're going to hurt yourself."

Jake shook his head violently. "No, no. Christmas Eve winter wonderland is my reward for finishing my shift," he said sternly. "Must be strong. Okay, I'll be back here at 5:00."

The door closed and Amy waltzed out of the bedroom, holding an old answering machine. "Hey, look. Our old answering machine."

Sonny smiled fondly. "Oh, yeah. After you left, we, uh, we unplugged it because it reminded Jake of how you used to, you know, leave messages. But hey, you guys are back together. I say we're plugging it back in. It's good to have you back."

"Thanks. Oh, hey, look, there's still some messages on here."

Sonny's voice came from the answering machine, clearly and strongly. "Hey, Jake. Are you lying on the couch right now moping about Amy? You are, aren't you? Well, stop it. She's not worth it. You gotta get over that Grinch."

Sonny winced. "Oh, fudge."

Amy advanced slowly, with an expression that directly translated to daggers. "I'm... a what?" she asked, voice low and dangerous.

Sonny turned scarlet. "I- That was Amanda, that was Amanda."

Amy rolled her eyes. "That was you, Sonny."

"That was Jake."

"Jake left a message for Jake?" Amanda asked in disbelief.

Sonny became defensive. "You know, it may have been me, but it was so long ago. Man, that machine, it really garbles your know, it almost made it sound like I said..."

"Why would you call me that?"

Jake's breakup with Amy had sent him into a deep depression and nothing could get him out of it. Until one day,Jake is eating on the couch while Sonny reads the newspaper.

"She was perfect. I lost the perfect woman. I should have knocked her up when I had the chance," Jake said mournfully.

Sonny slapped his thigh decisively. "Okay. That's it. You're never going to get over her until you stop putting her on a pedestal. So no more ice cream until you tell me one thing that's wrong with Amy."

Jake's voice was muffled from the pillow he was lying on. "There's only one of her?"

Sonny sat next to his friend. "Okay. She called off your wedding and dumped you to be a actress in London. What do you call that?"

"Fiercely independent? Brave?" Jake said weakly, before wilting under Sonny's glare. "I guess it was a little selfish."

Sonny nodded encouragingly. "There you go."

In almost no time, that spark turned into a roaring fire.

"I was trying to help him. I'm his best friend. That's the best friend's job," Sonny said.

Amy cocked her hip, placing a small hand on it. "The best friend's job is to call me that word?" she said acridly.

Sonny nodded. "I'm sorry, but I am not apologizing. I was just trying to put the guy back together. You smashed him to pieces," he shouted angrily.

Amy glared at him. "Are you seriously not going to apologize for leaving that message?"

Shaking his head, Sonny was defiant. "No! Amy, this summer, you were kind of a Grinch."

Amy clenched her fists, metaphorical steam spiraling out of her ears. She pushed a section of her hair back behind her ear. "Oh, you'll be sorry, Sonny Carisi," she threatened.

Amanda gasped, scandalized. "Sonny Vivian Carisi!"

Sonny looked at Amanda, confused. "That's not my middle name."

Amanda continued, unfettered. "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" she asked.

Sonny rolled his eyes. "Like you've never said that word."

"I don't kiss your mother with my mouth. Yet," Amanda said suggestively.

Sonny scrutinized Amanda, who was sporting a red, runny nose, and flushed pink skin. She was wearing several layers and was sweating profusely. "Are you sick?" Sonny asked, concerned.

Amanda grinned weakly. "Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?"

Sonny rolled his eyes, elaborating. "No, I meant do you have a cold?"

Amanda waved off the concern. "I'm fine. I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. Now, if you'll excuse me, the holidays are a time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year."

Sonny rapped his knuckled on the booth's table. "I should go apologize. It's Christmas Eve," he grumbled.

Rosa began making her way back to the apartment. "Yeah. I mean, slamming doors and screaming curses? If I wanted that, I would have gone home for the holidays," she said sarcastically. "You're sick," she said, looking at Amanda's shivering frame with disdain.

"I'm not sick," Amanda protested.

"You're sick," Rosa reaffirmed.

Amanda scrunched up her face. "You know what? I am sick. Sick of you telling me I'm sick. What up?" This was followed by a coughing fit.

Sonny appeared near the apartment door with two very full beer steins. "Ahh... Three flights of stairs, not a drop spilled. Hey, buddy," he acknowledge Amanda who was doubled over. "This is our thing. In college, whenever I wanted to make up with her, I'd buy her a beer. Cute, right?" he explained to Rosa.

Rosa agreed. "Totally. Plus free mug."

Sonny's eyes widened in surprise when he opened the apartment door. The Christmas lights and various decorations were gone. "She took the decorations. She took the decorations! What a Grinch! All right. I guess I have to call her, right?"

Amanda was on the fire escape lighting a cigar. Rosa spotted her. "Amanda! What the hell are you doing? Get in here, it's freezing outside. Are you insane?" she snarled.

"Hey, blame Amy and her oppressive "no cigars in the apartment rule." God, it's like Jake's marrying the Taliban," she snarled, sneezing into her hand before raising it. "High five."

Rosa grimaced. "Eww. No. You have to go home and get to bed."

Amanda rolled her very red eyes. "Oh, Rosa, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It's gonna be legen... Wait for it..." Amanda fell back into the couch cushions, falling asleep.

Sonny finally got ahold of Amy.

"Merry Christmas, assface," she said shortly.

Sonny winced. "Um, Amy? Where are the Christmas decorations?"

"At my apartment."

"You want to bring them back so we can celebrate Christmas together- please?" Sonny wheedled.

"Sonny, do you know what I would do if a kindergartners used that kind of language? I would be on the phone with their parents," Amy said hotly.

"Yeah, I'm not a kindergartner."

"Exactly. You know what that word means. You know that calling people names is mean and hurtful... assface," Amy said stubbornly.

Sonny fritted his teeth. "Amy, if you don't bring that stuff back right now, we..."

Sonny paused, the dial tone ringing in his ear. "She hung up. She's just mad. She'll cool down. Damn it! I could be in Staten Island right now making peppermint lager with my dad," he rose to his feet, walking to the door.

"Where are you going?" Rosa asked.

"Jake gets home in three hours. He's gonna show up-no Amy, no winter wonderland.I gotta get up to the Bronx."

The slam of the door brought Amanda back into consciousness. "...dary," she muttered under

Sonny walked briskly on the streets of New York City. His phone began buzzing. "Dominick Andrew Carisi!" a scandalized voice said.

Sonny cringed. "Oh. Uh, hey, Mom. Merry Christmas."

"I just got the most disturbing call from Amy. How could you use such a horrible word?"

Sonny's eyes widened in disbelief. "Oh, God, she called you?"

Sonny hangs up after a strict lecture from his mom and boards the subway. Back at the apartment, Amanda is in bed. Rosa entered the bedroom slowly, a bowl of hot soup in her hands. "I should be off playing laser tag right now, but instead... Don't look at me. I'm hideous," she muttered to Rosa.

Rosa rolled her eyes. "You just look like a regular person."

Amanda sniffed. "Exactly. I'm a Sonny. I'm wearing elastic-waist fleece pants."

"Come on, you need eat something," Rosa said, trying to convince Amanda to eat.

Amanda sunk into the pillows. "Too weak... to hold... bowl."

"Fine, I'll feed you," Rosa said in exasperation.

She gently spooned soup into Amanda's mouth. Amanda spat it out. "Ouchie in my mouth! I don't want it. I want ice cream," she wailed.

"No, you're not having ice cream for dinner just 'cause you're sick," Rosa said firmly.

Amanda whined. "But my throat hurts."

Rosa remained firm. "No!"

Amanda yelled. "I hate you!"

Rosa stood up, and began walking out the door. She was stopped by a hoarse, weak plea. "Don't leave me," Amanda begged,

Amy sat in her apartment when someone knocks on the door. "Who is this?" she called out.

"Pizza delivery," Sonny said gruffly.

Amy opened the door. "Hey, you tricked me. I knew it was you. I just thought you'd at least bring a pizza," she said, disappointed.

Sonny ignored the jab. "Yeah, well, I brought a beer, but I gave it to a homeless guy. All right, he took it from me. Now, will you please come home?" he begged.

"No, I'm not spending Christmas with you," Amy said stubbornly.

Sonny gritted his teeth. "Okay, I'm sorry for calling you a... that word, over the summer, and for saying it again today. And for thinking it a lot on the subway ride over. I had no right to say that. It was hurtful and immature and I'm sorry."

"Oh, shut up. You think I don't know your fake apologies by now, Sonny Carisi? Huh? You're clearly still mad at me," she said accusingly.

"I'm not mad at you," Sonny exclaimed in frustration.

"Yes, you are," Amy insisted.

Sonny sighed. "I am not mad at you, Amy. Now, can we please just..."

"I've apologized to Jake and he's forgiven me and we've moved passed it. Why can't you?" Amy pressed.

Sonny exploded. "Because you never apologized to me. Jake's not the only one you walked out on. You leave for three months, you don't even call. Come on, Amy, we're supposed to be friends!"

Amy paused, but retorted quickly, "Yeah, some friend, you called me a Grinch."

Sonny exhaled loudly. "You were a Grinch!"

Amy is taken aback. "How can you..."

"Grinchy, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch," Sonny spat. "Fine. I don't want to ruin Christmas. You can have the apartment. Don't worry about seeing me there I'll be in Staten Island with my sister Theresa. Just... Merry Christmas."

Rosa opened her phone as it started to ring. "You're spending Christmas Eve with your family? Baby, that sucks. I'm so sorry. We'll spend all day together tomorrow."

Sonny massaged his temples roughly. "Okay. Oh, how's Amanda feeling?"

Rosa rolled her eyes. "You mean the whiny bottomless pit of neediness? She was bugging me, so I spiked her echinacea tea with codeine."

"You're gonna be a great mom," Sonny said cynically.

Jake walked into the apartment with a box. His eyes widened at the lights adorning the walls and the assorted Christmas themed decoration. "Holy crap, the magical Christmas season is upon us. And thank God we don't pay for utilities."

Amy greeted him with a kiss. "Merry Christmas! What's in the box?"

Jake beamed. "Only the best present for the best girl ever. It took me all day to track it down. Merry Christmas. Open it, Baby."

Amy tore through the wrapping paper. She gasped, placing a hand on her chest. "Oh, my God. An Easy Bake Oven! I've wanted one of these ever since I was a little girl. In this exact model. I never told you that. How did you know?"

Jake grinned proudly. "A month earlier Sonny and I are in the bar. I was worried because it's our first Christmas since we got back together. I wanted to get you something really special. So I'm getting her a jukebox. Sonny told me I could get you something that blew your mind. He said back in college, you mentioned you wanted an Easy Bake one night."

Amy's smile faltered and guilt tugged at her middle. "I can't believe Sonny remembered after all these years," she said.

"Where is he anyway?" Jake asked.

"Staten Island," Amy said sheepishly.

The doorbell rang at Theresa's house, and Sonny quickly offered to answer it, observing his sister juggle a batter covered spatula and a potato peeler. He opened her front door. Amy stood on the porch, holding a beer.

Theresa called out from the other room. "Who is it, Sonny?"

Sonny stuttered. "Uh, it's... it's just, um, carolers."

"I came here to apologize. I'm so sorry, Sonny," Amy said.

Sonny's face bore an ear splitting grin. "I accept. Give me the beer. it is so good to see you guys."

"Are you coming home?" Amy asked hopefully.

Sonny smiled warmly. "Totally. But first, Amy, I owe you an apology."

"Oh, for the love of God, are you as sick of apologies as I am? Can we just skip the apology and go straight to the forgiving?" Amy asked.

"Yes. And I promise, I will never ever call you a... you know, again," Sonny apologized.

"That's okay. I was kind of a Grinch," Amy admitted.

Sonny excused himself from his sister's home, wishing them a merry Christmas.

 **YEAR 2036**

"Kids, you remember my first date with Rosa. When I told her I was in love with her. Well, here's the thing, normal people, you know, people who aren't your dad, usually take longer to say "I love you." Rosa went through the usual stages. First there's the moment when you think you think it. There's the moment you think you know it. There's the moment where you know you know it, but you can't yet say it. And then there's the moment where you know you know it, and you can't keep it in any longer. The gang gathered at the bar, chatting amicably before your Aunt Amanda burst through the entrance. She had the most idiot idea, comparing relationships to freeways. Basically, to her, relationships are like a freeway. Freeways have exits. So do relationships. The first exit, her favorite, is six hours in. You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower."

Kyle wrinkled his nose. "Aunt Amanda was disgusting, but kind of cool," he said in admiration.

"Extra emphasis on disgusting," Sonny drawled.

"It took a while to figure out but the key to understanding Amanda Rollins is this: when times are hard, it's impossible to keep her around. Like when Amy and Jake were broken up. But when times are good, it's impossible to get rid of her," Sonny said.

 **YEAR 2013**

Jake and Sonny were sitting in the booth, chatting cheerfully when Amanda joined them. "What are you guys doing?" she asked casually.

"We just finished planning Jake's bachelor party," Sonny said with a grin.

"Good, you haven't started yet," Amanda said cheerfully. "Let's talk logistics. Now, have you laid out ground rules with Amy? Where you are or aren't allowed to touch or be touched? Show me on Sonny."

Jake blushed. "Actually, we're, uh, we're thinking of skipping the strippers."

Amanda bit her lip, confusion passing over her expression. "You... you want to have a party without strippers," she said slowly, trying to comprehend such a concept.

The day arrived, everyone climbed into a rented Escalade and set out. Now, every bachelor party is usually made up of the same stock characters. You've got the groom, the best man, the guy who speaks only in clichés, and the guy who disappears at the beginning of the night and doesn't show up again until the end. And, of course, well... Amanda. Every bachelor party has a Amanda.

"Oh, what's this? This car has a DVD player? You mean, we could have been watching these pornos the whole time? Yeah. This one's in HD. This one's in H-double-D. Oh!" Amanda said smugly. "Oh, oh, hey, check this out! Don't ask how, but I procured for us five loco-bueno, hand-rolled, highly illegal Cubans. Seriously, you could go to jail for smoking these things," she boasted. "When do we get to AC anyways?"

"We're going to Foxwoods," Sonny announced.

"Foxwoods?" Amanda asked, confused. "But I've got an ipperstray waiting in tlanticaay itycay. What the heck's in Foxwoods?"

Sonny cleared his throat. "Well, we've got five third row seats to the Popinski-Salazar rematch. They've set aside our very own craps table, and I reserved a private room for us at Connelly's, where the five of us are going to be sharing a 102-ounce steak from a cow that I picked out on the Internet," he said proudly. "Sorry, Amanda. It was an honest mistake."

"This is going to be great! Meat, violence, throwing money down the toilet. America- one; every other country- zero. Thanks, guys," Jake enthused.

Amanda quieted. The crew arrived at their hotel. After checking in, the herd ascended to their hotel room. Opening the door, Amanda gestures to a barely dressed woman with a toothy grin and tired eyes. "Boys, say hello to Treasure," she announced.

"Hi, Treasure," Sonny greeted awkwardly.

Jake pulled Amanda aside angrily. "I can't believe that you did this," he hissed.

"I had to. I'm your best woman," Amanda said in protest.

"Sonny's my best man," Jake corrected.

"You've yet to make a decision and that's fine. But as your best-man-to-be, it's my job to make sure at your bachelor party you see a woman take her clothes off while dancing to Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again." Come on Jake," Amanda said in a falsely sweet voice.

"All right, fine, but... let's make it fast, all right," Jake relented. "The fight starts in an hour we don't want to miss it," he said.

Sonny shrugged in defeat. "It's a girl taking her clothes off. How long can it take?"

Treasure walked over with a clipboard and a large bin. "It's a bit more complicated than that. I need two grounded sockets, a large sterile pot filled with hot water and you all need to sign these releases."

Terry, Jake's friend from work chuckled at the elaborate display. "Is this a strip show or a Kiss concert?" he asked jokingly.

Amanda smacked him on the arm. "Shh! She's starting," she hissed. "Please turn off your cell phones, pagers and sense of shame."

"All right, boys. Lie back, get comfortable, and enjoy the show."

The show thundered on until a loud snap echoed through the hotel room followed by Treasure's voice shrieking. "Ow!" she exlaimed.

The smoke from the cigars and the smoke machine wafted awa swiftly as Jake got up, hurrying to Treasure's aid. "Oh my God, are you all right?" he asked, panicked.

"No, I am not all right, you idiot. My ankle is broken! Take me to the hospital!" Treasure shouted, wincing.

"Um, actually, we have tickets," Sonny mumbled.

"You know what? Thanks a lot, Amanda. She told you at the beginning of the show not to use the smoke machine when she's on the hippity hop. Now I'm going to have to spend the rest of my bachelor party in a hospital," Jake exclaimed, glaring at Amanda.

On the way back to the hotel, after dropping Treasure off at the hospital, Jake's group of bachelors (and one bachelorette) began remniscing on the show they witnessed. "Man, what a show, huh? She did some disgusting stuff. Really sticks with you. I may be done eating," Sonny said.

"Me, too. I mean, like, forever," Jake agreed.

Terry slumped over in the backseat, facial features twisted in disgust. "Me, too. I miss my wife."

Amanda sat up eagerly. "Hey, let's go around the table and say what our favorite part was. Mine was that thing with the typewriter. I mean, she made some spelling mistakes, but still. Ooh, and you guys were all, "Amanda, put out the cigar! It's a non-smoking room!" And I was all, "Hell, no, this is a Cuban!" Of course, eventually, I did put it out. Did I put it out? I put it out. Did I put it out? I put it out. Did I put it out?"

There was a small fire, not even big enough to force an evacuation of the hotel, but definitely big enough to get them kicked out, and bring Jake's bachelor party to an early end. Sonny, Jake, and Amanda trudged into the bar. "Hey, guys. How was the fight?" Rosa greeted them.

Amy joined them near the entrance. "Hey, what are you guys doing here? What happened to the bachelor party?"

"We missed the fight, dinner was ruined, we spent half the night in the hospital, and got kicked out of the hotel. What do you think happened?" Jake asked irritatedly.

"Amanda," Amy said with certainty.

Amanda held up her hands. "Hey, I was just trying to be a good best woman."

Jake rounded on her. "You know what a best woman does, Amanda? She does what the groom wants. But all you ever think about is what you want, what's best for you. Best woman? I'm not even sure I'm inviting you to the wedding at this point," he spat.

A flicker of hurt passed over Amanda's face. "You don't mean that."

Jake looked at her. "Why should I invite you? You don't even want us to get married."

"That's not true." Amy interrupted.

Amanda tried stopping her. "Amy, don't."

"What?" Sonny asked.

Amy bit her lip before continuing. "I'm sorry, Amanda. It happened last summer when we were broken up."

 **YEAR 2012,"**

In London, a firm knock echoed through Amy's studio apartment. She opened the door, surprise evident as Amanda stood there, breathlessly. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amanda, what are you doing here? I can't believe it's really you. Come in, have a seat. Do you want some tea? I know the apartment's small, but I don't need much space," Amanda said hurriedly, rolling her eyes. "Just stop it. Amy, you have to come home. You and Jake belong together. The two of you have something that most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him, and if you knew what he was going through right now, you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Jake is one of the best people I know, and it won't be long until someone else realizes that, and you'll lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening, and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever," Amanda continued. "Never, ever tell anyone I was here. I will deny it tooth and nail. This trip never happened. Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, what would you do- Big Ben?"

 **YEAR 2013**

Jake's anger faded. "You really did that?"

Sonny cleared his throat, "Jake, I think Amanda's your best woman," he said, impressed.

Jake concurred. "Yeah. Yes, she is."

Amanda flushed. "See, Amy? This is why I didn't... Really? Really. Real... In your face, loser!"

Jake laughed, rolling his eyes. "Take it easy, all right. Sonny's still my best man, too. You guys are co-best people."

"Right," Amanda said, confused.

"You guys are co-best people," Jake said firmly.

 **YEAR 2036**

"In May of 2013, Aunt Amy and Uncle Jake got married at the historic Van Smoot House in upstate New York. You see, kids, when you get married, you learn a hard lesson. The wedding you set out to have is almost never the wedding you end up with. The closer you get to the big day, the more concessions you make. And the day arrives for Amy and Jake's very big indoor wedding... with a harp. Things got even worse the day of the wedding when Aunt Amy's ex boyfriend- Teddy Wells showed up at the wedding ready to win her back. And from there, things just kind of went downhill. In all, her photographer was injured, her harp player went into labor, someone ran over her veil in the parking lot, and the florist was delayed in decorating the ceremony," Sonny said.

Lily's eyes widened. "Poor Aunt Amy, I bet she was awfully upset."

Sonny chuckled. "Aunt Amy tried playing it off, like those things didn't matter to her, but eventually, she caved. And here's the story of how your Aunt Amy and your Uncle Jake got married twice in one day."

"You guys were a wreck in your twenties," Michael said disdainfully.

"Yes, yes we were."

 **YEAR 2013**

"Wow, it's beautiful, Amy," Rosa admired.

Amy sighed. "Yeah. It's just how I always pictured it," she said wistfully.

The day progressed at a rate that went steadily downhill. Inconveniences popped up like dandelions. It all came to a climax when Rosa forgot Amy's bridal panties. "Oh, no. Amy, I think I forgot your bridal panties. I-I thought I had them. I'm so sorry," Rosa apologized.

Amy shrugged. "Oh, it's okay, I'll just wear the ones I have on."

"Are you sure?"

Amy laughed. It sounded empty and broken. "I'm marrying Jake today. So it doesn't even matter that I'm gonna walk down the aisle without a veil in a room that has no flowers to the music of half a harp played by a woman who's crowning, as my high school boyfriend reads Guns N' Roses lyrics. But that's okay, because there's no photographer there to take any pictures of it anyway."

She stiffened, and Rosa approached her cautiously. "Amy, are you okay?"

Amy turned on her despondently. "What do you think?! Of course I'm not okay! Everything that could possibly go wrong at my wedding has! It's ruined! Oh, God. I wanted... I wanted not to care about the wedding, but... I do. I... I'm supposed to feel like a princess today."

Rosa sat next to her, "And you will. It's gonna be okay, sweetie. Why don't we go outside? I have something that'll make you feel better," she comforted.

"What could you have that could possibly make me feel better? God, I hope Jake's having a better day than I'm having," Amy cried out in frustration.

Jake tore into the room with a towel covering his hair, freaking out. "Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!"

Sonny put down his phone immediately. "What?"

Jake ripped off the towel. His brown curls were tinted orange. "Well, it's not too short," Amanda said with weak optimism.

Jake gritted his teeth. "My hair! Look at my hair! She ruined my hair! I look like one of the Backstreet Boys!"

Amanda pointed her finger. "You totally do. And not even the good Backstreet Boys, the older, lame dance move, comeback tour Backstreet Boys."

Sonny turned to face Amanda. "The good Backstreet Boys?"

Jake regained his friends' attention. "Guys! Guys! What am I gonna do?!"

Sonny stifled laughter as he asked, "What-what the hell happened to you?"

"Amy's cousin is in beauty school, and Amy didn't want her to do her hair, so she said she could do mine. I can't get married like this! There's no way!" Jake panicked.

"Ah, let me see what I can do," Amanda said casually. "I have a superpower. If you say 'for the bride' you can literally do anything," she added, disappearing from the room.

"Amy is gonna kill me! Look at me! She's not gonna want to marry me like this," Jake moaned.

"That's crazy. Of course she will," Sonny said reassuringly.

Jake turned, straight faced. "Would you marry me?"

Sonny paused. "No. But not because of the hair. It's because I have a rule: never marry anyone you've had a farting contest with," he said firmly.

"Oh, great. So now you're saying Amy and I shouldn't even get married?" Jake exclaimed.

"Okay, we have a bit of a situation. Let's not panic. Let's just find a solution," Sonny reasoned.

Jake choked back a scream. Before Sonny could stop him, he had a razor in his hands and she shaved right down the middle of his head. Sonny supressed a laugh. "Dude, you shaved your freakin' head."

Jake's eyes glazed over briefly. "Yeah, yeah, but it's good. I ought to shave it all off. What a great solution. Just be bald 'cause it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spears..." he trailed off, realization setting in. "Oh, God, what did I do?! How could you let me shave my head?! You're the worst best man ever! I hate you! I'm not going out there! I'm leaving and I'm never coming back. Sonny, you're my best man! You got to do something!" Jake cried, breathing heavily.

Sonny stepped forward, rubbing comforting circles on Jake's back. "Okay, all right, come here. Just breathe, breathe, all right? Don't worry. Don't worry. I'll just... I'll take these," he said gingerly, pocketing the razor.

Amanda stormed into the room, a toupee in hand. She placed it on Jake's head. Jake tugged at it gently, turning to the other two. "Actually, I think it kinda works," he said casually

Sonny concealed a wince. "It totally does," he lied through his teeth.

Jake turned to Amanda. She grinned falsely. "To be honest, I'm, uh, I'm jealous I don't get to wear it," she choked.

Jake sighed, leveling himself. "Okay, problem solved. Crisis averted. Let's get me married." He turns on his heel to face the mirror. "It looks terrible, doesn't it?"

Sonny winced. "It kinda looks like fur, which gives you the appearance of a cleaned-up Bigfoot."

Jake tilted his head, deep in consideration. "Oh, you know..."

"In a bad way," Sonny added.

Jake covered his mouth, inhaling sharply. "Okay, you know what? I need some air. I think we should go for a walk, okay?"

Amanda jogged alongside Sonny and Jake. They were out in the garden, discussing solutions for Jake's hair problem. "It would cover up the problem. It's festive and it celebrates the heritage of this great nation," she said defensively.

Sonny rolled his eyes. "Okay, unless you actually have one in your car, stop suggesting authentic Native American headdress."

"Oh, no," Jake muttered, as Amy and Rosa came into view, leaning against a willow tree.

Amy's jaw dropped. "Oh, my God! Jake..."

Jake sighed, defeated. "Amy, you're not supposed to see me," he said dejectedly.

Rosa held down a snort. "Holy crap, I don't think anyone's supposed to see you."

"What happened? Did Melanie do this to you?" Amy asked incredulously.

"Just the frosted tips. I did the rest. I'm sorry, baby. I've ruined the whole wedding, haven't I?" Jake said sadly.

"Oh, no, you didn't ruin the wedding, sweetie. It was already ruined. There's no flowers, no photographer. Oh, and Teddy's here, by the way. My veil got thrashed, the harp player is in labor, and I'm not wearing my wedding underwear," Amy said sadly.

"What? No "Property of Jake" across the back? How are people going to know whose butt that is?"

Amy frowned. "What happened? Remember the wedding we wanted, the intimate outdoor ceremony?"

"I wish we could have that wedding," Jake said wistfully.

"So do it."

Jake looked at Sonny in confusion. "What?"

"Get married now. Right here. Look, it's outside like you always wanted. Intimate, close friends. There's no guitar, but it's pretty close. Amanda can officiate," Sonny offered.

Amanda's eyes lit up. "Yes. Yes, I can. Uh, excuse me, guys. You all dropped something: your jaws- because Amanda Rollins is about to aid and abet a marriage," she gestured crudely.

Jake paused. "Could we even do that? I mean, what about all those people in there?"

"Do that one, too," Rosa suggested. "And then when everything goes wrong, you won't care because you already had the real wedding out here."

Jake looked at Amy. "What do you think, baby?"

Amy smiled at him. "I love it."

Jake smiled back. "Me, too. Let's do it. Let's get married before we get married."

"Great. Wait, hold on. Excuse me, sir," Amy jogged over to the gardener. "Could we borrow your hat?" she asked.

The man smiled, handing it to her. "Thank you."

Jake looked at Sonny and Amanda dully. "Hat. We thought of authentic Native American headdress before we thought of hat," he deadpanned.

Amanda cleared her throat, standing between her two friends. "Thank you all for coming. For those of you who don't know me... I'm not the biggest believer in marriage. But... you two are so great together, you know? It's like you were, uh, made for each other," she said, voice cracking and swiping discretely at her face.

Rosa laughed. "She's gonna cry."

Amanda wrinkled her nose. "No, I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not," she waved at her eyes frantically. "Amy and Jake... when everyone sees you, they... see true love. It's the best love... Can we just, um, move on to the rings or something?" she said, half sobbing.

Jake frowned. "Oh, no. I don't have my vows."

"I don't have mine either," Amy said, face falling.

Sonny pushed them closer together. "You don't need your vows. Just say why you love each other," he reasoned.

Jake inhaled deeply. "Okay, I'll go first. Amy, there are a million reasons why I love you. You make me laugh and you take care of me when I'm sick. You're sweet, caring and you're a bit neurotic. But the main reason that I love you is that you're my best friend, Amy. You're, uh... you're the best friend I ever had," he said before turning to Jake apologetically. "I'm sorry, buddy."

"No problem," Amanda and Sonny replied in unison.

Amy flushed, wiping at her eyes discretely. "My turn. Jake, I love you because you're funny and you make me feel loved and you make me feel safe and for our anniversary you gave me a sweatshirt that says, "Amy and Jake. Rockin' It Since '02." I kinda wish I was wearing it right now 'cause it smells like you. But the main reason I love you, Jake Peralta, is you make me happy. You make me happy all the time."

"Jake, do you take Amy to be your wife to have and to hold from this day forward?" Amanda gasped quickly.

Amy snickered."Slow down."

Amanda's voice choked and she sputtered, "I can't. From this day forward as long as you both shall live?"

Jake grinned. "I do."

Amanda choked back a sob. "Amy, do you promise to take Jake to be your husband to have and to hold as long as you both shall live?"

Amy smiled back warmly. "I do," she whispered.

Amanda sniffed. "Okay, then, by the power invested in me by the very bitter old Pakistani man who works down at the courthouse on Lafayette Street, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride." she announced happily.

They all went back inside for the second wedding. And yes, a lot of things did go wrong, but it didn't matter. Afterwards, at the reception, Jake turned to his new bride. "How do you feel?" he asked softly.

Amy leaned into him. "Tired. I got married twice today," she joked.

The officiant for their second wedding grabbed a microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever Mr. Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago," he said, followed by resounding applause.

Jake escorted Amy onto the dance floor, putting his hands on her hips. "Does it make you kind of sad that we don't share the same last name?" Amy asked

Jake smiled. "You know, in a totally evolved 21st-century kind of way yeah, a little."

"We should come up with a whole new last name," Amy suggested casually.

Jake nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, that's easy- Amy and Jake Skywalker."

"Amy and Jake Hasselhoff."

Jake's eyes lit up. "I got it. You ready? You ready? Amy and Jake Awesome. Have you met the Awesomes? Jake, Amy, their son, Totally and their daughter, Freakin'?"

"I love you, Mr. Awesome." Amy said fondly.

"I love you, Mrs. Awesome," Jake muttered, kissing his new bride.

Rosa and Sonny swayed to the music. "So..." Sonny said. "Wedding's over. I guess starting tomorrow, we can tell people."

Amanda turned around, "Tell people what?" she asked sharply.

Rosa chuckled. "Hi, Amanda," she said sarcastically.

Amanda ignored her. "Tell people what?"

Sonny deflected. "The food looks delicious, doesn't it?"

Amanda insisted. "Tell people what?"

"Nothing," Rosa hissed.

Amanda nodded in acceptance. "Oh, okay. Tell people what?"

Sonny sighed in exasperation. "Can we talk about this later?"

Amanda nodded. "Absolutely. Tell people what?"

Rosa escorted a bridesmaid over to the group. "Hi. Have you met Amanda?"

Amanda shook her hand quickly. "Hey. Amanda Rollins. Lovely dress. I know, I'm sick of these things, too. It's like the same wedding over and over again. You're totally right. You want to dance? Great, see you out there," she pushed the girl into the crowd before appearing at Sonny's shoulder. "Tell people what?"

Sonny rolled his eyes, irritated. "Look, this is just not something we want to talk about right now, okay, Amanda?"

Amanda made a guttural snarling noise. "Okay," she said reluctantly before storming off.

Sonny exhaled. "Whoo, that was a close one."

"Think she'll actually let it go?" Rosa wondered out loud.

Amanda had the microphone in her hand in a matter of minutes. "Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people," she paused, allowing a butler to whisper in her ear. "There's a black Nissan Stanza in the parking lot with it's lights on. Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what?"

Rosa pulled her off the podium. "Oh, God! Okay. Look, we have some... news."

Sonny interjected, "But we don't want to draw attention away from Amy and Jake's big day."

"So just forget about it until they leave for the honeymoon," Rosa said sternly.

Amanda slumped in her seat petulantly. "Fine."

"It's pretty big, though," Sonny remarked casually.

Amanda exploded. "Oh, my God, just tell me!"

Amy and Jake sauntered over to the table helplessly. "Oh, help us," she moaned.

Rosa asked, "What's wrong?"

"We're starving. We planned this amazing meal with the caterers, and we haven't had a bite of it," Amy said, upset.

Jake nodded. "Every time we get near the food, we get cocktail wiener blocked. We haven't eaten all day."

Rosa smiled. "All right, let's run some interference. Let's get these two back to their table."

Amy and Jake reached their table, but to their dismay, their plates were gone. "No! They cleared our plates again!" Amy complained.

Amanda cleared her throat. "Anyway, guys, we're kind of in the middle of something, so if you could go bicker or share a tense, sexless silence or whatever married people do somewhere else, that'd be great," she said.

Amy wrinkled her nose "No, Amanda, this is my wedding, and I will sit wherever I damn well," she stopped mid sentence to chase a butler with a plate of mini quiches.

Amanda turned back to Sonny and Rosa. "Tell the secret," she whined.

Sonny cleared his throat. "Okay, uh... it was our anniversary, so we went to this restaurant Carmichael's, which is where we went on our first date. Remember, the place where I stole the blue French horn for Rosa? Okay, so we're sitting there and the waiter comes over. He gives us two champagne flutes, which we didn't order. And there, sitting at the bottom of the champagne glass is an engagement ring."

Amy's brother was making his way around the wedding crowd with a camcorder. "Anything you want to say to the bride and groom?" he asked.

Amanda stared at Sonny in disbelief. "Don't get married."

Amy's brother backed away awkwardly. "Why don't I come back," he muttered under his breath.

Amanda's head sank into her hands. "An engagement ring? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Sonny, you cannot do this to me. No. No, no, no!" she chanted.

Sonny snorted. "That's what she said."

Rosa dipped her fingers into the champagne flute, digging out the ring. "No, no, no, no, no. Sonny, you cannot do this to me. No. No, no, no," she cried.

Sonny's brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

Rosa waved the ring in front of his face. "This. This is what I'm talking about. What is this doing in my champagne? Oh, God, listen... I just got to get out of here."

"That's not mine." Sonny said softly.

Rosa stopped. "What?"

Sonny confirmed his previous thought. "That's not mine."

"Then whose is it?" Rosa asked, confused.

A man from another table walked over, taking the ring from Rosa. "It's mine. Janna... will you marry me?" he asked, kneeling in front of a pretty blonde lady.

The restaurant filled with applause and praise. Rosa turned back to Sonny. "Wow, that was hilarious. I was like... what? Anyway."

Sonny frowned. "What the hell was that? That reaction?"

Rosa shrugged. "I thought you were proposing to me."

"Really? Because it sounded like you thought I was trying to set you on fire," Sonny said acerbically.

Rosa sighed. "Sonny, you know how I feel about marriage."

"Now more than ever," Sonny said coldly.

Rosa's expression softened, "I'm sorry, were you planning on proposing tonight?"

Sonny paused. "No," he said reluctantly.

Rosa's brow furrowed in confusion. "Then why is this an issue?" she asked, confused.

Sonny pushed away from the table, hurt, "Because even though you don't want to get married, I'd like to think the fact that we've been together for a year, and that we love each other might get me a gentler reaction than, "No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. "Sonny, you cannot do this to me. "No. No, no, no,"" he said exasperated.

Rosa sighed. "Okay, you're right, I just... freaked out. I don't know why. I'm sorry. Can we please just let it go?" she pleaded.

Sonny bit his lip, shaking his head. "No," he whispered.

At the wedding, Jake stomped up to the table. "Hey, Rollins. Never lie to a man about a chocolate fountain," he said threateningly.

"So did you guys find anything to eat?" Rosa asked, amused.

"I had four strawberries," Amy said with an unfocused grin.

Sonny smirked. "Was there a side of champagne with each of the strawberries?" he asked lightly.

Amy blushed. "Yes," she admitted bashfully. "I'm gonna go have some more strawberries," she said, stumbling away, Jake in tow.

Amanda turned back to Rosa and Sonny. "So what happened next?" she pressed.

Rosa sat down on her couch, looking at Sonny desperately. "Sonny, don't do this." she said.

Sonny shook his head. "No, seriously. Where do you see yourself in five years?" he asked.

Rosa scoffed. "Where do you see yourself?" she asked, a steely glint in her eyes.

Sonny sighed, combing his fingers through his hair. "Honestly, in five years... I probably want to be married," he admitted

Rosa nodded slowly. "And I probably want to be in Argentina. Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look, Sonny, I don't know where I'm going to be in five years. And I don't want to know. I want my life to be an adventure."

Sonny looked at Rosa despondently. "We have an expiration date, don't we?" he whispered mournfully.

Amanda blinked slowly. "Oh, my God. You guys broke up. You guys broke up. I can't believe it," she stuttered.

Sonny held up his hand. "Amanda... story's not over," he said firmly.

"So... Argentina," Sonny said, avoiding Rosa's piercing gaze.

"Argentina," Rosa confirmed.

Sonny chuckled. "Why is this the first I've heard of Argentina?"

"Mmm, American schools suck at geography. What would be the point in telling you that I want to live in Argentina? You don't want to live there," Rosa said defensively.

Sonny turned to her. "I could want to live in Argentina."

Rosa rolled her eyes. "No, you couldn't. I mean, you life is here and your career. I'm a journalist, my career could take me anywhere, and I hope it does."

Sonny scoffed. "Hey. I could be an cop anywhere, too. They have crime in Argentina. And Paris. And even Tokyo. I don't know if you ever saw Godzilla, but he wasn't exactly a law abiding citizen."

Rosa laughed. "So, what? You're saying you want to move to Argentina?"

Sonny paused, thinking intensely. "Well, I always regretted not taking a year in college to live abroad. I got some money saved up. If ever there were a time in my life to do something like this, it's right now. Let's move to Argentina."

Rosa smacked him, grinning softly. "Oh, shut up. Sonny: You're scared I might not be kidding."

"I'm not," Sonny insisted. "Your move, Diaz."

Rosa took a deep breath. "Okay. Let's do it- let's move to Argentina."

Amanda shook her head rapidly. "No es posible! Nobody moves to Argentina. The Argentinean peso has dropped two-thirds in five years, the government is opposed to free market reforms, and the railroad has been a mess since the breakup of Ferrocarriles Argentinos. I hooked up with an Argentinean exchange student in a Porta-John outside Yankee Stadium. Man, she was chatty."

Sonny smiled gently. "Amanda. The story's not over yet."

Sonny and Rosa are in Rosa's apartment kissing. Rosa pulled away. "Wait, wait, wait, wait," she said.

"What?" Sonny asked.

"I don't know if I can do this to you," Rosa explained.

Sonny looked confused. "Do what?"

Rosa paused. "Well, you say you want to move to Argentina, but you want to have kids."

Sonny snorted. "Oh, right. 'Cause there are no kids there. On Santa's map of the world, there's a big black "X" over Argentina," he said sarcastically.

Rosa hit him. "You know what I mean."

Sonny pulled her close. "No, I don't. Okay, say we had kids. They wouldn't have to grow up in some suburb somewhere. They would grow up on the road having adventures with us. Think of all the Hard Rock Cafe T-shirts they could collect."

"Sonny, you know that kids were never a part of my plan. But if I was going to have someone's babies, I'd have your babies," Rosa said.

Amanda snickered. "That's when you run. Tell me you ran, Sonny."

Her expression fell slowly, as neither of her friends objected. "No. Rosa, you're not... No, say the story's not over," she sputtered.

Rosa stood up. "Come on, they're cutting the cake."

Amanda hit the table angrily. "Say the story's not over!" she called after them.

Amy's brother had made his way back over to the table, still holding the camcorder. Amanda's eyes widened and she pushed away from the table in disgust, "Getting married, having kids. It's all a mistake. It's a horrible, horrible mistake," she hissed.

Amy's brother rolled his eyes. "God, this guy's giving me nothing."

Jake and Amy made a grand exit, thanking everyone for their presence at their biggest day. Sonny smiled fondly at his best friends, giving them each a hug and escorting them to the limo. When he got back, Amanda had worked herself into half a rage, fists balled at her sides and eyes screaming betrayal. "You are going to miss out on a lot of awesome stuff. You'll be at home with the kid while I am out awesome-ing all over the place," she said, hurt, before turning to Rosa. "And you're going to get fat."

Sonny held up his hand before Amanda could work herself up. "The story's not over, Amanda."

Back at Rosa's apartment, Sonny was lying on her couch, with Rosa's head in his lap. He ran his fingers through her dark tresses before letting out a choked laugh. "We're not doing this, are we?" he asked quietly.

"I don't want to have _kids_ in Argentina," Rosa admitted quietly

Sonny nodded emphatically. "And I don't want to have kids in _Argentina_."

Rosa bit her lip. "So where does that leave us?" she asked hesitantly.

"Well... we could stay together and... pretend this stuff doesn't matter. Or we could break up," Sonny said, hating himself for the suggestion.

"You stole a blue French horn for me," Rosa said, eyes welling up.

Sonny's smile wavered. "I would have stolen you a whole orchestra," he said as Rosa leaned into his embrace, crying softly.

Amanda's face fell. Her jaw dropped and for several moments, she was speechless. "You did break up. You're not pregnant?" she asked.

Rosa shook her head. "Nope. Afterwards, uh, we came by to tell you guys, but Amy was pretty stressed out, so we decided not to say anything till after the wedding.

Amanda smiled sympathetically. "You guys okay?" she asked, genuinely concerned.

Sonny bit his lip. "Well, it hasn't been the easiest two weeks of our lives, but..."

Rosa gave Sonny a small smile. "But we're okay," she confirmed softly.

The wedding reception continued, people lapsing into congratulatory sentiments and kind words. Sonny and Amanda had wandered out onto the patio. They stood together in a comfortable silence, before Amanda gave Sonny a solid pat on the back, saying, "I'm really sorry about you and Rosa. I know I was always joking around about wanting you two to break up, but you were really good together."

Sonny nodded. "Yeah... we were. She just wasn't the one, you know?"

Amanda rolled her eyes. "The one. Oh, Sonny, no. Do not tell me you're going to start searching for "the one" again. The only time I want to hear you saying "the one" is if it's followed by the word "hundredth." What up?" she whooped, holding up her hand for a high five.

Sonny exhaled loudly, shaking his head. "No, I need a break from all that, I... I just want to get out there and have fun for a while, you know?"

Amanda's eyes lit up. She tried concealing her excitement. "Really? 'Cause... you know, you've been in a relationship for a year. You're going to... be a little rusty. I'm just saying... you're gonna need, need, need some help out there," she hinted not so gently.

Sonny shrugged, "That's a good point," he conceded.

Amanda paused, looking at Sonny hopefully. "Do you think... Do you think maybe you might... need a wing woman again?" she asked.

Sonny chuckled, smiling at Amanda. "I do," he admitted.

Amanda cheered jubilantly. "Yes! Yes! We're back. We are back. And Sonny, my boy, it's going to be legend... Wait for it..."

 **YEAR 2036**

"So Jake and Amy were married, and Rosa and I were broken up. She did eventually go on to live in Argentina and Morocco and Greece, Russia, even Japan for a little while," Sonny said

"Are you going to meet dad soon?" Kyle groaned.

"Sooner than later," Sonny said fondly.

A/N: Oh god my love for all things crime show is gonna shine through in this fanfic isn't it? Guest appearances by Prentiss, JJ, Reid, Hotch, and possibly Zack Addy are all expected in the outline.


End file.
